Doomsday to follow
Cotton Bowl

Moments after the USC victory over Michigan, the BCS
computer became self-aware, resulting in a series of events that may yield
results of apocalyptic proportions. The complex algorithms, which have eluded
even those who built the system, have been actively processing every byte of
data on the internet slowly, but surely.

In Washington DC, the computer reprocessed 2000 election
results. Not only has it decided that George W. Bush did not win the election,
but based on strength of schedule and the Hollywood factor, has installed Arnold
Schwarzenegger as President of the United States. Schwarzenegger commented, “My
mission is to uphold and defend the BCS system. I will wade through all other
polls, reach down their throats, and pull their !@#%$ heart out!” He further
stated, "Listen! Understand! That BCS computer is out there! It can't be
bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or
fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until its foes are dead.”

The federal government is not alone in adjustments to the
system. Other decisions being enforced by the newly dubbed SkyBCS include:

• Tommy Chong set free on strange NCAA technicality.


• O.J. Simpson terminated based on the common sense
  factor.


• Kobe Bryant emasculated “just in case”.


• Two-thirds of Yankees World Championship declared
  invalid, however, the Curse of the Bambino stands.


• South Carolina’s old “confederate flag” reinstated
  based on rule 107.11.3c (Stupid is as stupid does).


• All Fark.com subscribers scheduled for termination
  based on IQ factor.

Not all of the news was
bad though. In some popular decisions by SkyBCS, it has been declared that Duke
sucks, Michael Jordan is not even close to Athlete of the Century, celebrating
and taunting have been reinstated as legal moves in the NFL, and Time’s Man of
the Year is Ellen Degeneres.

The last time SkyBCS was
heard from, there were vague references to WOPR and a request for the presence
of Matthew Broderick. Check back for frequent updates on the impending crisis
at SprotsRant.com.

New Orleans (SportsRant.com)

Alan Bombria

"Christianity is the most perverted
system that ever shone on man". -- Thomas Jefferson