In a move that neither surprised nor shocked anyone, the Yankees overshadowed their signing of Alex Rodriguez by signing a recently returned Jesus H. Christ. In a deal rumored to be worth the cattle on a thousand hills with a signing bonus of forty pieces of silver, Jesus will fill in the number 5 spot in the Yankee rotation as well as play DH and fill in at a variety of field positions. The previously unkown agent H. Ghost has acknowledged that this will change the free agent market for eternity as he seeks a contract for an up and coming superstar known only as “Gabriel”.
Reactions have already poured in from across the country. “Bring him on”, said a defiant Garciaparra, “We’ll nail him!”. “Jesus H. Christ”, Mets’ owner Nelson Doubleday is quoted as saying, “What’s next? Cthulu in right field?” Christ’s reaction was just as strong. “I had to go where the money is. That ten percent crap was killing me!”
Jesus, undefeated in professional play for over 2000 years, brings strength to what was anticipated as the Yankees’ weak spot. He also brings a veritable litany of superstition including requiring his teammates to eat magic crackers and do a group shot of red wine before each game. “His religious beliefs need to be respected no matter how unusual” was the statement from the Yankees’ PR firm, Apostles ‘R Us.
Not willing to give up before the season starts, the Boston Redsox are rumored to be in negotiations with Scott Boras, the agent for the fireballing lefthander from down south, Lucifer E. Satan.
