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Notre Dame free safety Tom Zbikowski makes his professional boxing debut this Saturday at Madison Square Garden. Like most Irish faithful, I’m confident that he will make short work of whatever meatball they found to fight him (after that, he’ll make short work of the boxer they found to fight him). The Notre Dame faithful should represent well by packing the place, but I can’t help but think that, with a different opponent, this could be the greatest fight of the year.
Zbikowski has some boxing experience, but he’s a football player first and foremost. I think it would only make sense to make sure his opponent has had a little fighting background as well, but it definitely has to be someone else from the sporting world. It you really want to sell boxing, you’ve got to do it with people who aren’t famous for boxing. Here’s my list of the top 10 contenders for Tom Zbikowski-
1. Manute Bol- There are few athletes that have more fighting experience than those who have actually stepped between the ropes to get it on. Still, Bol’s stint on Fox’s Celebrity Boxing was far from real action. Nevertheless, he’s got great range and I think he might be able to last a round with the Notre Dame All-American. The big X-factor in this fight would be the current state of whatever African village it is Manute Bol was trying to raise money for. If it’s in shambles, you might see an angry Bol fighting with a “win one for the Gippers” mentality. If the village folk are resting comfortably in their plush La-Z-Boy recliners and messing around with their TiVo, Manute doesn’t last a minute.
2. Tonya Harding- In the same vein, Harding is another athlete who has some actual boxing experience. I think she’s fighting in bars these days or against homeless people for pieces of meat, but the point is- she’s a fighter. There may be some issues because Zbikowski, the heavyweight, would probably have to put on a good 25-30 pounds to be in Harding’s weight class, but it would definitely be a good bout. The X-factor in this match would be the ringside interference, as Tonya would more than likely have someone from her trailer park get involved. Then again, if she pulls something like that or a hubcap to the face, the WWE-style melee that would invariably ensue would be trouble for Harding, as nearly 30 Notre Dame football players are expected to be in attendance.
3. William Ligue Jr.- Sticking with the overwhelmingly obnoxious piece of trailer park trash theme, William Ligue Jr. would certainly be a good fit to take on Zbikowski. Ligue’s claim to fame, for those fortunate enough to forget him, was that he jumped onto the field and attacked Kansas City Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa from behind. The only way he stands a chance in this fight is if Zbikowski forgets he’s at a boxing match and starts scanning the crowd for girls. Once his back is turned, however, Ligue transforms from cowardly fan into the ultimate fighting machine. I guess he might also stand a chance if he thought Zbikowski was a girl, as Ligue’s rap sheet includes a charge for striking his girlfriend in the face, head, neck, back, and nose with his fist. Give me Zbikowski in 12 seconds in this one, 14 if Ligue’s son gets involved in the fight.
4. Todd Bertuzzi- Staying with the theme of cowardly attacks from behind, Todd Bertuzzi has to check in on this list. Zbikowski would be in the most danger as he walked to the ring, as Todd would more than likely try to take him out then. I generally respect hockey players and their toughness, but I have to give the nod to Zbikowski in this bout. Bertuzzi could hold his own for a round, seeing as he is somewhat of a power forward, but those 45 second shifts don’t help you build the type of stamina he would need to go the distance. In a bar fight, maybe, but in a boxing ring, it’s the All-American all the way.
5. Kyle Farnsworth- A few years back Farnsworth laid the smack down on Reds pitcher Paul Wilson as if it had never been laid before, leaving Wilson a bloody mess. I think Kyle might stand a chance in this fight, but then I remember the time he attacked a fan (the metal, oscillating type) and ended up injuring himself.
6. Jermaine O’Neal- He needs to redeem himself. Surely there must be more to Jermaine O’Neal’s physical game than the woeful punch we saw him throw in the Detroit melee. He got to throw a sucker punch at a fan on the floor, one free shot to rock one of God’s less-than-perfect specimens, and his best shot can’t even knock the fan off his feet. I want to believe there is more to him than this, but the big question would be, is this “more” enough to take down Zbikowski?
7. Pedro Martinez- I subscribe to a basic tenet of fighting- if you have ever struggled in taking down an old man, whether it be a physical struggle or a mental struggle, then you aren’t fit to fight another able-bodied person. Pedro passed this test when he whipped Don Zimmer to the ground, so it’s time for him to move up to level 2.
8. Latrell Sprewell- on the flip side of that argument, Latrell failed this test when he choked his head coach, PJ Carlesimo, almost 10 years ago. "I wasn't choking P.J.," Sprewell said at the time. "I mean, P.J., he could breathe. It's not like he was losing air or anything like that. I mean, it wasn't a choke. I wasn't trying to kill P.J." If he doesn’t have the resolve to take out a coach, what is he going to do against a well-trained deliverer of sweet justice (I think Tom should work with this as his boxing nickname)? How can you mess up choking someone? I like that he went the UFC route years before it was cool, but he failed to pull it off against the easiest of competition.
9. Bill Romanowski- Steroids are the spinach to Romo’s Popeye, so if he has any access to steroids of any kind, this is Bill’s fight to lose. The Roid Rage is too much for the Deliverer of Sweet Justice. That being said, if there’s any sort of ban on performance enhancers in boxing (and I’m fairly sure no sport bans that type of thing), he’s screwed.
10. Gary Bettman- Sure, Bettman doesn’t stand a chance. But it would be entertaining watching him get destroyed, and isn’t that what this is all about anyway?
The Sports Gospel is sponsored by www.betonsports.com. All Sports Gospel readers get a sign up bonus up to 50% when you mention Sports Gospel as the promo code. Mark Chalifoux is a columnist with SportsFan Magazine. You can reach him at Rockne48@und.com.
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