No Reason Comedy

[BtownBeers]

Just thought we'd put a thread out there for anything comedic we come across to share with the masses.

I found these pretty funny!

Funny moments for Doctors | Bubblejive.com

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald



2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes



3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by! Dr. Susan Steinberg



4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six ours and now I'm running out of places to put It!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion She answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson



6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf



7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name



8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar MeyerWiener'!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[BtownJay]

LOL! Nice. I've got a few to post... if you don't like off color jokes, please don't read further.

**note... they are just jokes, i don't agree with them all...

How do you get 20 dead babies into a bucket? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.


What's the difference between a Joo and a loaf of bread? The bread doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

Why did Hilter kill himself? He got his gas bill.

Why do blacks put mustard on their tootsie rolls? So they don't bite their fingers.

Why are aspirin white? Because you want them to work.

How do you blind an asian? Put a windsheild in front of him.

Why do women get their period? They deserve it.

What does a mexican kid get for christmas? Your bike.

[BtownJay]

What to thousands of abused women a year have in common? They don't listen.

Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.

Why is interrogating a Mexican like a pool ball?
The harder you hit it the more English you get.

How does a black woman fight crime?
She has an abortion.

What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
Coach

What do you call 1 white guy surrounded 1000 black guys?
Warden

[BtownJay]

What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What do you give a paedophile who has everything?

A bigger parish.

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.

**okay, no more.

[BtownBeers]

LMFAO! Where are you getting these?

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese

How do you stop a black person from drowning?

Take your foot off his head

[klicks]

Some canadian content:

Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove Newfoundland and attends first grade. After school she tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not ,
will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, don't think God would get mad, who do you want to give a Valentine?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Newfoundland Christian Girl could have enough love to give Osama a
Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit, and if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Canadian Soldiers can shoot the fucker."

[klicks]

what do you call a woman with one leg and one arm missing?
Eileen.
What if she is Chinese?
Irene.

What do you call a masturbating bull?
Beef Stroganoff

What's the last thing that went through Kurt Cobain's head?
His teeth.

[Shane]

Why don't women wear watches?
There is a clock on the stove.

An Irishman walks out of a bar. (That's it)

A black guy and a Mexican are in a car. Who is driving?
The cop.

[Shane]

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who gives a shit? What the fuck was she doing out of the kitchen?

How do you starve a Mexican?
Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

Bands you never hear from anymore:
Sack of Shit
Vaginal spotting
The five man trio
The note fuckers
Anal lace
Infected mole
Four deaf guys
Clots on the move
Sue and the fuckheads
The Borris Morris chorus

Some rare books:

Where to go for a free fuck
How to make a lamp out of your genitals
Songs about cruelty
How to have someone elses orgasm
Things that suck
Nude tightrope walking
Why you should never yodel during an electrical storm

[klicks]

What's the best way to ensure your woman has an orgasm?
Who cares.

What do you call a mexican girl that can run faster than her brothers?
A virgin.

What do you call a (insert your political party of choice) at the bottom of a river?
A start.

What does an Ethopian call a wristwatch?
A belt.

[klicks]

The Husband Store:
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in Boston , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Personality.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this Floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[klicks]

Redneck pick-up lines (and I aplogize ahead of time for these):

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

[klicks]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the interstate one day. So she pulls over to the shoulder, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out 2 cardboard men, unfolds them and places them at the rear of the car facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardoard man are in trench coats and are exposing their cardboard parts to approaching drivers.
This causes a big snarl up in traffic, and not too long later a police car shows up. The officer, looking pretty upset, approaches the blonde and asks 'WTF is going on here?'.
She replies 'my car broke down officer'. He says 'yeah fine, but what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing on the road?'
She replies
'Oh, those are my emergency flashers'