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“Save the cheerleader, save the world.” It started as the marketing slogan for NBC’s Heroes but it has progressed to the point now where it may be the key to winning the war on terrorism. And from there, who knows what else could happen? It’s quite possible that the cheerleader, could in fact, save the world.
As an American, I have taken cheerleaders for granted. In fact, I had always assumed cheerleading was only around so older guys could leer at high school girls and feel less creepy, so big-time college athletes didn’t have to waste practice time by finding out where the hot chicks where before banging them, and so girls who need a serious self-esteem boost but don’t want to make the leap to stripping could still get paid to have guys leer at them.
All noble causes, which I support 100 percent. But I never knew the true power of the American cheerleader until the Washington Redskins cheerleaders (who I will assume are the Redskinsettes in an effort to which is equally offensive a name as “Redskins” given the history of Native American prostitutes) would be a nickname equally offensive ) were unleashed on India for a routine game of cricket. India will never be the same.
One Indian told the Washington Post that "the cheerleaders are heroes in their ability to make people excited. Another said "they're the only reason I am here, I wanted to treat myself. Hooray for American cheerleaders!" I think the Redskinsettes trip was a complete success.
Howard Stern always used t insist that the Middle East wouldn’t be such a volatile region if they had more strip clubs and half-naked women around and after seeing the results from the Redskinsettes travels abroad, I’m starting to think Stern’s genius isn’t limited to entertainment.
What if cheerleaders really are heroes? The world has been waiting to finally have a sexy hero (no offense to Mother Theresa, who I’m sure was a fox in her hay-day) and now we finally could have some. And it’s really not even much of a stretch to think about cheerleaders as heroes.
Honestly, some of America’s longtime “heroes” don’t live up to the billing. School teachers are paid a year’s salary and then get three months off. Half the time their lesson plans are older than they are and they rely heavily on crutches like “group projects,” where students teach each other.
Firefighters get paid a year’s salary and then spend most of their time waiting around for something to catch fire. They are either playing cards, eating chili, watching TV, or goofing around. It’s a lot like living in a frat house, until the 1 or 2 times a week they actually dress up and put out a fire one of them started so the townpeople don’t think their taxes are going to waste (oh no, the old mill is on fire for the fifth time this month!).
Meanwhile, cheerleaders work their whole lives to sculpting the perfect figure and then practice their routines for hours on end just so they are in top shape for games that pay them $50 a pop. Underpaid. Overworked. And their main job is to bring more sexy into everyone’s lives. That’s enough right there for them to be awarded the hero title, and that’s before unleashing their magical powers on foreigners.
I think it’s a no-brainer to send these girls over to Iraq to see what they can do. Worst case scenario- the squad does a little more recruiting next year. Best case scenario- a W in the war on terror. This move could define George Bush’s legacy as he unleashes America’s greatest weapon, good-old fashioned T&A, and brings about world peace in the process.
Maybe cheerleaders aren’t all superficial. Maybe it’s time we gave the brave and the beautiful a chance to show us what they can really do.
Mark Fox is a humor writer, person, and humanitarian. You can find more of Mark Fox at SportsRant.com, CraveOnline, and at his blog on the Lot D. Email him at thefoxwhole@gmail.com. >>
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