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There are many important, pressing issues in the world of sports to tackle. Yet, I would be remiss if I didn’t pay off a weeks-old tease, and present to you the 2006 GOSPY awards. For those of you not familiar with the concept, here’s an excerpt from the nominations column-
People know about the ESPYs. I’m not sure how many people know, or how many important people know, but those are the awards given out by ESPN for the best of whatever in sports for the past year. I wholly appreciate honoring the year’s bests, but the ESPYS leave out so many potential great categories. After all, Mark Cuban is going to stop talking about his dick size unless he can win an award for doing so. Enter the Gospys.
The Gospys pickup where the ESPYs left off. This is the debut year for the award, but I think it’s going to catch-on in less time than it takes Chris Berman to pick up a leather-clad girl in a bar.
Best Scandal- This is the big award. It’s an honor to even be nominated, but the winner of this has taken scandal to an entirely new level. These nominees have disgusted, delighted, and generally entertained the nation through sex, arrogance, destruction, and losing. The nominees for Best Scandal are
Terrell Owens- From the pushups on the driveway, the whole training camp debacle, to the circus that constantly followed him, TO set a new standard for divas in the NFL.
John Daly- His colossal gambling losses, numbering into the millions, set off a few solid weeks of discussion on gambling overall, including the not-so-major revelation from Charles Barkley. Still, Daly deserves a nomination, even if he’s a longshot to win it all.
The Vikings Loveboat- Anytime you get strippers, hookers, and football players together, you know you will have a memorable time. Throw in a double-pronged sex toy and put it all on the water, well, then you have a decent scandal. If it’s the thing that turns around a season, then you get a Gospy nomination. Seriously though, I still think this “sex party on a boat” thing is revolutionary, it’s just the tip of the iceberg and it will forever change slumps and how athletes deal with them.
***Barry Bonds- I can’t remember why he’s on this list. Hm. Maybe it will hit me later.
Duke Lacrosse- This is the rich, white kid version of the Vikings party. No hookers and the only sex toy was the stripper that was allegedly “raped.” And I use the “” only because it’s not settled yet and it’s much simpler than saying “the stripper that claims she was raped” or that the Lacrosse players “allegedly raped her.”
No matter how you score it, it’s a major scandal. It was front and center of our airwaves for too long to be ignored. Like most scandals involving rich people though, it boils down to jealousy. When you are a superstar you can buy as many sex toys as you want. When you are born into your wealth, strippers are your sex toys.
Winner- Barry Bonds. The Loveboat and Lax scandals were entertaining, but neither football nor lacrosse is truly hurt by them. Barry Bonds, as the face of the steroid scandal, is the tip of the iceberg for what’s to come for MLB. We are heading down an ugly path for the game and there will be dark times. While John Daly’s gambling losses were impressive, no scandal shook its sport like Barry Bonds. Books, testimonies, federal agents, snitches, grand juries, and indictments are all part of this gongshow known as the Barry Bonds witchunt.
The rest of the categories-
Best pickup line-
You’re with me, leather”- Chris Berman
“For every billion dollars I have, my dick gets 10 inches longer”- Mark Cuban
“Honey, there’s a fly on under your eye. Hold still while I get it…”- Brett Myers.
Winner-YWML. Cuban’s is funny, but doesn’t have near the efficiency of Berman’s. Especially since Berman’s escapades don’t involve him explaining why the girl should be with him. In Cuban’s case, he’s practically offering the girls a few grand, at least that’s what I’m assuming with a pickup line like that. He’s essentially saying what he has to offer is his pocketbook and nothing else.
The only disappointing part is that Berman shuns the whole concept and refuses to accept the credit for such an ingenious play. Still, when your phrase has its own T-shirt and it gets some decent air time on a show for pre-teen girls (a TRL host wore one a few weeks back), you will win this category every time.
This award wins even with a bevy of unanswered questions. Honestly, how does this even work? Shouldn’t girls be turned off by the fact that they are addressed by the fabric of their pants as if nothing else matters about them? Does this work with anything or just with leather? Could he have a similar effect with “You’re with me, denim?”
Best couple- ***Brett Myers and wife, Santonio Holmes and girlfriend, Chris Henry and 18-year-old hooker, Heather Mitts and AJ Feely.
Winner- Brett Myers and wife. Not only can he get away with his crazy “shenanigans,” but his wife actually put up the money for his bail. I can’t think of any other couple in sports that works so efficiently together. Mitts and Feely were a strong possibility here, but they are just two entities tied together, there’s no semblance of that teamwork that couples need. That’s the same reason Eva Longoria and Mr. Longoria were left off the list, the only project they work on together was the PR spin after a tame run-in with police. That’s not going to cut it. Now, on the other hand, Brett and wife can captivate a sports nation with their violent act and still combine forces to evade any legal repercussions.
Best Business venture by an alleged murderer
OJ Simpson and his “Juiced” DVD
Jayson Williams and his new restaurant
Rae Carruth and his cigarette bartering industry
Winner- OJ Simpson. Living up to his claims not to rest until he “finds the real killers,” OJ narrowly found something to occupy him when he’s away from the golf course. That something was his “Juiced” DVD, a pathetic rip-off of Punk’D. Any pathetic rip-off of Punk’D has to be good for something and who can say no to “the Outrageous & Shocking Hidden Camera Comedy Starring The Most Notorious Celebrity On the Planet: O. J. Simpson.” My favorite line of the official release though- " In fact, no one is safe because “THE JUICE" is loose… Again…”- which is funny on so many levels. Probably the only people who are truly safe are “the real killers.”
Hottest female in sports- Let’s be honest, this is pretty much a “best female athlete” award just telling it like it is.
Heather Mitts
Maria Sharapova
Jenny Finch
Tanith Belbin
Erin Andrews
Danica Patrick
Winner- Maria Sharapova- This really should become an ESPY award. Forget only nominating the attractive girls that have done something in sports or the non-attractive girls that are so good they cannot be left off the list (you’re welcome, Ms. Sorenstam). I’m not going to drag on this because it’s done a lot, and I don’t have any pictures. But let’s be honest here, it’s Sharapova and it will continue to be. Although I think Mitts is pretty close, I still give the nod to Maria.
Best Juicer-
Barry Bonds
Jason Grimsley
Jason Giambi
Jose Canseco
Winner- Jose Canseco. Grimsley’s story is sad, Bonds story just isn’t right, and Giambi’s makes no sense. Grimsley got jobbed, Bonds is on the hot end of a witch hunt, and Giambi is the only known juicer to come out of this successfully. It’s nice that users everywhere can have a role model in Giambi, so they can know that you can still overcome scandal to be one of the better players in baseball. It should be a strong deterrent for the youth of America to blindly accept the “say no to drugs” campaign.
Why not use the drugs, get successful, and if you get caught then just try to pull a Giambi? That’s the American way. In fact, it will only make the youth of today that much stronger if they have to deal with one good controversy in their lives. As I’ve said for a long time, damage control and crisis management are the two biggest things these young players lack. So kids, take those steroids early and often. As far as I know, there’s no medical drawbacks whatsoever…
Best Sports Gospel
Anna Benson v PETA- http://www.sportsfanmagazine.com/sfm/articles.html?id=2273
Barry Bonds, Ultimate Underdog- http://www.sportsfanmagazine.com/sfm/articles.html?id=2601
God Hates the Colts- http://www.sportsfanmagazine.com/sfm/articles.html?id=2344
Ultimate Fighter- http://sports.espn.go.com/sports/boxing/news/story?id=2439789I know that isn’t a Sports Gospel, per se, but it is a brilliant piece written by me
Making The Fan Cut- http://www.sportsfanmagazine.com/sfm/articles.html?id=2168
Winner- Anna Benson v PETA- Ultimate Fighter is probably the best piece I’ve done, but it’s not the typical “Sports Gospel” style. The Benson piece was enjoyable by all, as I was merely a reporter in the epic war of words. Not to pat myself on the back too much, but it was overwhelmingly brilliant.
Best Cross-over star
Carson Palmer- Cornhole
Jerry Rice- Dancer
Ben Roethlisburger- Demoliton Derby
Brett Myers- Ultimate Fighting
Jeff Samardzija– baseball
Winner- Samardzija- I’m running out of space here, but the guy is either going to be a first-round draft pick in the NFL or a big-time, multi-million dollar pitcher in MLB. That’s freaking talented.
Best Chris Henry arrest
Marijuana in his shoe
Giving underage girls booze before screwing one of them
DUI
Pointing a gun at a group of people, then throwing the gun into a limo
Winner- Gun charge. I mean he got out of the limo, wearing his own jersey, and then threw the gun back in the limo after he saw a cop. Like maybe he was quick enough that the cop didn’t see the gun. I like this charge for two reasons. First, he was wearing his own jersey, which sort of makes it like his Superman cape. It’s bigger than his football career, now it spans to his crime career as well. It’s now his uniform in life. The second reason I like this is because, if you’ve ever seen a movie or cartoon, you know that the moment you throw a gun that it fires whenever it lands. He ran the risk of shooting himself by throwing it in the limo, but he did it anyway.
This is the point in the award show that you would start tuning out and since I’m already pushing 1,800 words- here’s the sprint to the finish.
Best Coach-
Ozzie Guillen
Pat Riley
Stan Van Gundy
Bill Cowher
Best sports website-outside of any that carry the Sports Gospel, of course
Deadspin.com
Sportsbybrooks.com
Espn.com
Si.com
Best sports video game
Madden 2006
FIFA World Cup 06
College Hoops 2k6
College Baseball
Most annoying person ever
Dick Vitale
Jay Mariotti
Stephen A Smith
J. Mariotti
Best sports talk radio host
Colin Cowherd, ESPN Radio
Jim Rome, Premier Radio networks
Dan Patrick, ESPN Radio
Mark Chalifoux, Cincinnati ESPN Radio
Best column feedback-
***Re- JJ v Morrison-
Redick is the BEST! He's a good guy and the AWESOMEST basketball dude I know of! Oh, and my freinds and I were making a chart of physical attractions AND JJ Redick FIT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!! He is such a hottie!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I don’t have the room to explain how great this message actually is.)
Superman in Sports award- In honor of the recently released movie, “Superman Returns,” this award goes to the player who is closest to Superhero status in sports. Too often big stars are involved in scandals or are torn down by other means, so this award goes to the player who can rise above it all to be a role model for everyone. A lot of pressure, yes, but that’s why this is such a big award
LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
Shaquille O’Neal, Miami Heat
Lance Armstrong, Team LiveStrong
Tiger Woods, Team Tiger
Winner- Lance Armstrong. It’s still his time, but this award get’s a little more interesting next year with LeBron gaining ground. Still, it’s Lance’s for life if he pulls off the upset and cures cancer.
The Sports Gospel is sponsored by www.betonsports.com. All Sports Gospel readers get a10% sign up bonus up when you mention Sports Gospel as the promo code. Mark Chalifoux is a columnist with SportsFan Magazine. You can reach him at Rockne48@und.com.
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