Aww yeah, it's finally here! The most important weekend in professional football, known to Americans as the enigmatic, highly-touted and awe-inspiring Week 11, but to Canadians is called by the more flamboyant title: Grey Cup Weekend. Today marks the 92nd occasion by which the ancient, storied teams of the Canadian Football League battle for Earl Grey's (yeah, like the tea) coveted chalice, and they show no sign of ever giving up the fight. The CFL has often been called the phoenix of professional sports leagues, as it seems to always be on the brink of disaster, yet somehow miraculously emerges from its troubles with a new image, as if it's woven into the very fabric of Canadian identity. Canadians don't mind if the league flounders, but they'll be damned if they're going to let such a longstanding tradition die.

This game has all the makings of a classic. The good guys: My hometeam, the BC Lions (13-5), with their powerful potent offence that averaged 32.4 points a game and had five receivers on or near 1000 yards receiving (including the league's top receiver, Geroy Simon). But the craziest thing about BC is they have two starting quarterbacks (Coach Wally Buono was asked no less than 6382 times this year before games by the media: "Who's going to start this week?"). The replacement starter, Casey Printers, won the league's Most Outstanding Player Award, and the backup starter, Dave Dickenson, is a previous winner and likely future hall-of-famer. This is like choosing between Anna Kournikova or Maria Sharipova to sleep in your bed tonight.

The Bad guys: The Toronto Argonauts (10-7-1), with the league's best defence and special teams. They scored more touchdowns with their defence and special teams (thanks to all-star returner Arlind Bruce) than they did with their offence this year. Their kicker, Noel Prefontaine, never misses. Ever. If he has to, he will kick 6-7 field goals a game to win. The two teams split the series this year: game one, the Lions potent offence ran the table. Game two, Prefontaine's boot literally punted a win for the Argos. The predictions can't be more obvious: if it's a wide-open, offensive game, the Lions will crush them. If it's a conservative, tight game, the Argos might squeak out a win, as they have been doing all season long.

Canadian football has not the population nor the marketing nor the image, nor the style, nor the boisterousness of its overhyped American counterpart, but I've never met a single person who's ever seen a game live been able to go back to the football life they once knew. Once they're exposed to the free-wheeling, open-ended excitement of the Canadian game in action, going back to their petty bowl feuds and stunted NFL Sunday picks that, while bright and colourful and enthusiastic, realize there's no substance or quality underneath, everything feels fuzzy and empty and hollow and worthless. So what is it about this game that keeps trucking along, underneath America's football radar but with such a hard-nosed, devoted following that there's just got to be something exciting going for it. I don't know. But here're some suggestions on what I think probably makes Canadian football a superior game:

Casey Printers. 6'2", 220lbs. out of Texas Christian (and Texas A&M) University...first full year of the CFL, took to the game like mold on cheese. Most exciting and scrambling QB since Doug Flutie, only taller and able to throw through pass rushes better. This guy will be a fucking STUD in the NFL one day, mark my words. We'll hand him to you in a couple of years as soon as we're done winning a few Grey Cups with him.



• The Canadian field goes to 110 yards. That's 10 more. It's not 100. You see, NFL fields, you know, they all go to 100 yards. You're at 100, all the way up to 100 on the field, Where can you go from there? Nowhere. What the CFL does is, if you need that extra first down, you know that we do? 110 yards. Exactly. It's 10 more.
  


• You know what that means then? TWO 50 yard lines.


• It's also wider. It's so wide, that speed and athleticism is preferred over fat slobs sucking back wind because they had to run 15 feet. A lineman over 300 lbs. is a liability in the Canadian game.


• The reason why our football season ends now is because you have no idea how cold the Canadian winter gets. Think Green Bay, but without sunlight. The decision to end our season in November stems back to the infamous Frostbite bowl of 1916, where the Nunavut Roughriders defeated the Saskatchewan Roughriders (whom narrowly defeated the Edmonton Roughriders in a Western Division Final ending in 6 overtimes) when the latter team had to forfit because all their receivers arms had fallen off.


• Endzone dancing not only permitted, but encouraged. So long as it's not taunting or goading, they can do whatever they want. You have seriously not seen endzone creativity until you witness the ostentatious antics of the Winnipeg Bluebombers receiving core. Some of their ambitious dance numbers take five minutes to complete. They've mimed everything, from playing craps, posing for modelling shoots, playing basketball, and in cold games, pretending the ball is a roasting fire and rubbing their hands to bask in its warmth. Keith Stokes totally upstaged Terrell Owens this year when, after scoring a touchdown, ran over to the goalpost, pulled out a magazine he had stashed there before the game, and quietly began reading it on the ground like he was resting against a tree on a warm sunny afternoon and he had the whole day to himself. We're waiting for your response, TO. Don't let us down.


• Three downs. That's it. Three. You have to make 10 yards in two tries. How often do you see a passing play on first down in the NFL? How often do you see a drive entirely comprised of passing plays? Not to say that the run is not important, but when you have a limited number of choices, you can't beat around the bush. Every down counts. You can't throw anything away simply because it's not to your liking. Either find a way to make the play work--by any means necessary--or eat the ball.


• Because of this, the ball is always moving. CFL teams average nearly 80 yards more offence and 7 more points than NFL teams. And not only is the ball moving, but the play is moving too. Anyone on the offence except for the front line can be in motion prior to the snap. Sometimes, all of them are. In fact, most times, all of them are. It makes things trickier for defenses, but hey: it's a small luxury when they only got two tries to make 10 yards.


• Also, in almost every game situation, unless the referee says something specific--the ball is live. There is no touchback. There is no fair catch. When the ball is kicked, go and get it. This paves way for the most exciting play in pro football, something that has been virtually neutered in the NFL experience: the kick/punt return. With the massive field, returns for touchdowns are not uncommon. So every Canadian team plans for this contingency, since the return is such a big part of the game, by hiring their own speed-demon specialist who does nothing but return footballs on special teams. It's like having a league of Dante Halls.


• Speaking of kicks, what article about Canadian football would be complete without talking about the greatest scoring method in professional sports: the rouge. For you uninitiates, I'll explain it to you really simple: Canadian endzones are huge. REALLY huge. Like....5 miles deep. The reason why Newfoundland doesn't have a team is specifically because they keep losing their newfie receivers every time they go on an endzone passing route. So the uprights aren't at the end (that would make field goals impossible), but at the goal line. Surprisingly, very seldom do they get in the way. Offences just don't design their endzone plays up through the middle, but usually veer them off to one side. Anyways, with the endzone as deep as it is, if a field goal is missed, more often than not the ball just plops right there in the middle of the endzone. As per Canadian Excitement Legislation, this means it's live! Anyone can grab it. To counter this, the defending team will put their lone return specialist guy back there to catch the ball. Now, on a missed field goal he has two choices: either run the ball out of the endzone where his offence then takes over (albeit with usually crummy field position--unless he's really good and runs it back for a touchdown...hey, it's happened!), or choose not to run the ball out of the endzone by taking a knee, or running out of bounds, or getting tackled. But doing this is not without cost. The cost is 1 point, conceded to the kicker. The infamous rouge. NEVER underestimate the power of the rouge. Whole Grey Cups have been won with its alluring point.


• 20 SECOND PLAY CLOCK!!! Seriously, you yanks would be bored out of your skulls if the announcers didn't try to flesh out your piss-slow sport with multiple camera angles and instant replays of every single play, with colour commentary of what finger the outside tackle was picking his nose with in the huddle. Less standing around, more football! Hike the god damn ball and get on with it. I watched the Saints play in the Superdome once, and I could actually see the grass grow inbetween plays, which is odd because it's artificial turf. I wonder if the sideline officials get annoyed at having to clean the cobwebs off the yard markers every time they move them.


• Speaking of time, I remember reading once that if you only count the moments from snap to tackle, each NFL game only contains about 17 minutes of actual football. I don't know how much action is in a CFL game, but if there's one thing it's taught me over the years, it's to never leave your seat until it's over! The CFL has something really cool and unique going for it, called "stop time the last three minutes". It is impossible to run out the clock. It stops on every whistle, and doesn't start again until the ball is hiked. You can not sit on the ball and protect the lead. You cannot walk onto the field with 40 seconds to go. 40 seconds is an eternity in the CFL. With the limited down and even more limited timeouts (1 per team per half, that's it), you either got to do something with it or give it up. I have never seen such hectic, last-minute scrambling action as is witnessed in the last 3 minutes, where more can happen than in the entire game. In the Western Division final last week, Saskatchewan was trailing BC 21-17, and they needed a touchdown to win. They rallied, staged a last minute drive, and scored the major with 66 seconds remaining on the clock. 24-21 Roughriders. But they made a cardinal mistake that I've seen in CFL football time and time again: they scored too soon. 66 seconds was more than enough time for BC to take the ensuing kickoff, land a couple clutch first downs, and sink a nail-biting 48-yard field goal with no time on the clock to send the game into overtime.


• Oh yeah, overtime. I'm gonna tell you straight up: The NFL overtime is balls. The team that wins the coin toss wins like 90% of the games. You're essentially handing the win to the victor of an element of chance. That's not football, that's blackjack. The CFL thinks that way is stupid, and does something about it. In CFL overtimes, both teams get a shot at possession. If they're still tied after each having possession, then they go again. Think of possessions as like baseball innings. A defensive score automatically wins the game, of course. Also, it's like a shoot out. They each start on the opposing team's 35 yard line and try to score. In the Western Division game last week, Saskatchewan went first, marched down to the 18 yard line, and their kicker actually missed the field goal! He just shanked it wide. He got his house egged and manure dumped on his lawn for that one. It's a chip-shot, a gimme, an automatic. BC, after seeing Saskatchewan's foible, only needed a field goal to win, which they did. And that's why they are in the Grey Cup.

So I guess at this point you're wondering: where can I see this wacky Canadian game for myself? Check your listings. Surprisingly, almost all of mainland America can watch the game if they want to. If you sort through your digital/cable/satellite networks, you're sure to find it somewhere. But that might not be a good idea; you might go through serious withdraw pains afterward. The CFL is addictive, sure, but fortunately for you it's not going anywhere.