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Here’s my list of top nine things to be thankful this thanksgiving – starting with you appreciating that my list does not reach ten!
9. Return of the King
While Carmelo’s play has plateaued, and Darko is nowhere in sight, LeBron has emerged as an early season contender for most valuable player. Working with your basic Peter Point Guard, and Sheldon Shooting Guard, James has made every surrounding player’s value increase with his finesse game. The NBA has been desperately waiting for someone to play the role as the new MJ and they finally have him. Thank you LeBron.
8. Clouds and Rain – No Lightning
The Tampa Bay Lightning, who recently won their first Stanley Cup in franchise history, only had 15 players show up for the ring reception. The celebration was as packed as the movie theatres that play Surviving Christmas. Key components Martin St. Louis, Vincent Lecavalier, and Nikolai Khabibulin – who are all currently playing hockey in European leagues – requested that their 138-diamond ring be left in their office bunk – allegedly. Thank you NHL.
7. On Court Clock Cleaning
When I first heard of the Ron Artest incident on Friday it was by way of text via the internet. As I hurried to the television to see what my fantasy team member had achieved, I saw the most classic sports scene of my life. Artest, who is dazed and confused from his first quarrel, stumbles back onto the court with the yellow collar of his jersey stretched to his ankles. Then he’s confronted by an enthusiast who has chugged about three Red Bulls too many and after a quick Barry Sanders juke, Artest wipes the minuscule ruby tinge left in the corner of the fan’s mouth with his best four knuckles. Thank you Ron.
6. Vacation Request Form
Second verse, just like the first. A little louder, and a little worse. Artest recently asked for some time off, which may have been an overlooked plea for help, but was quickly reprimanded and suspended by Head Coach Rick Carlisle. I guess that Pacers’ management never learned from Michelle Pfeiffer’s movie Dangerous Minds. In that mid 90’s flick, class leader Emilio goes to the school principal for critical life-saving advice but help is nowhere to be found. Emilio leaves the office, hits the streets and ends up...for the worse. Artest found a way to get his time off one way or another – thank you Rick.
5. BC-MESS
It’s late November, the trees are bare, the air has chilled, and the college rankings are as decipherable as any of the languages used by Dikembe Mutombo. The formula hit a snag last year when there was a co-National Champion, and it was quickly amended. Now it has another hurdle to overcome since Auburn and Oklahoma are entangled for the number two spot but don’t bother with the playoff system. A mini tournament would quiet the hullabaloo and, more importantly, make too much sense. Thank you BCS.
4. Pillow Talk
Speaking of poor role models, how about Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow preserving their egos to prevent a hockey season? That’s right kids, the best way to resolve your issues with the people you don’t get along with is to just ignore them! Next time your parents send you to your room, just ignore them. When your wife asks you to cut the grass, just ignore her. The co-worker who does not cooperate is dead to us. Sacrifices should be made, but never compromise your self-image. Thanks guys.
3. Mickey’s Christmas Carol
What does the Disney umbrella have up its sleeve for this December 25th? How about a little Pistons/Pacers appetizer along with some Lakers/Heat main course? It gets better as Phil Jackson may be a commentator for the Lakers game! Why stop there? How about Ron Artest as a special guest referee for the Eastern Conference tilt along with Jermaine O’Neal and an unlucky fan in a cage match at halftime? Thanks Walt.
2. Back on Top
Well he hasn’t reclaimed his former number one ranking in the golf world yet, but his climb on top in a different world may have helped him get his game back if you know what I mean. Maybe all it took for Tiger to find his stroke was a few practices strokes from the right type of rough. Now that Ms. Nordegren has helped him get out of the bush and get back on track, Mr. Woods should be able to pinpoint his balls, and place them exactly where he wants every time. Thank you Elen.
1. When a Man Loves a Woman
While scolding ABC, Terrell Owens, and Nicollette Sheridan for their lascivious Monday Night Football opening, I wondered where those same haters were at roughly 2:00 PM ET this past Sunday. As I yawned waiting for the Ravens/Cowboys game to return from commercial, my attention span was grabbed when the game returned and the camera caught a cheerleader hopping on the shoulders of her male compadre, opening her legs, and flashing a perfect up-skirt to the camera. Guy, talk about home-field advantage. Thank you Suzy Softcore.
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