|
Names: Justine Henin-hardenne and Kim Clijsters
Ranks: #1 and #2 in the world, respectively.
Why: Because they`re tougher than fucking tanks, that`s why. You would be too if you came from a country that had to put up with the French and the Germans for untold millenia. I saw Henin-hardenne drop her racket in a river of molten lava once, and then she went and retrieved it. Absolute craziness. I always thought that if anyone was going to dethrone the Williams` sisters stranglehold on the WTA, it would have to be someone tougher than a teflon coat encased in brick surrounded by lead protected by a force field made of diamond. These girls are tough. Like energizer bunnies, they are capable of playing forever, sometimes dragging matches deep into third sets and into four hours, to come out on top. Henin-hardenne won the US Open last year without any legs (both were destroed in her semi-final match with Capriati, and she still won), and Clijsters does the splits when she smashes forehand winners--something you have to see to believe. Seriously, it`s like ninja kung-fu grip action, that`s how cool it is.
Hittability: Henin-hardenne may be suspect, but Clijsters totally is. Too bad she`s engaged to one-hit wonder Aussie tennis badboy Leyten Hewitt.
|
|
The American Power Game
Names: Lindsay Davenport, Jennifer Capriati, Venus and Serena Williams
Ranks: #4, #6, #7, #9 in the world, respectively.
Why: While the Belgians seemed to possess unlimited stamina and were capable of bleeding their opponents in a terrible war of attrition, the Americans have elected to go for raw, brute force. A jaw-dropping power game that rivals even the men, each girl is six feet tall, and each can serve 120+ mph, so that shit is coming straight down on you. Seeded opponents may be able to weather the onslought, but something this brutally decisive makes mincemeat of inferior opposition. They are known for finishing their early round Grand Slam matches in mere minutes, and they generally don`t start seeing any serious resistence until the quarterfinals.
All of these girls must take enough hormone pills to kill a herd of elephants. I mean...just look at them. Forsaking all but the most physiological evidence fo their femininity, they have taken the art of performance-enhancing to a new extreme. That doesn`t mean they aren`t sexy, if that`s your thing. They`re just fit. Really really fit. And they probably all sound like Harvey Fierstein by now.
 The Williams sisters used to be #1. They took some time off to design clothes or something or other, and when they returned learned that the Belgians had usurped the top tennis titles. But the Williams return to dominance has not been as swift and certain as it was the first time around (much to their dissapointment and frustration), and after a year of fighting have yet to figure out how to get past that impervious Belgian work ethic.
Hittability: Despite their muscles of magnitude, all four of them are still pretty hot. Except maybe Capriati. She just looks damn near scary. But who can forget that bodacious catsuit Serena wore to the 2002 US Open. Man. Just look at that thing. It just sticks out like that. She must be one of those rap guys girlfriends. Who understands those rap guys anyway. *scoff*
They make perfect playthings for those into domination and submission. If you`re not sure whether the buffed girl is your type, use this handy rule: if she weighs more than you, she`s not worth it. Remember: These are the kind of girls who`d smack you around, and then tell you to like it. But you never want to feel like you`re in any danger, which you just might be considering these girls swing rackets around for a living. But that`s an extra level of kink I won`t go into. Ooh yeah. She`s mighty mighty...lettin` it ALL hang out.
|
|
The rest
Name: Amelie Mauresmo
Rank: #3 in the world
Why: Between the Americans and the Belgians sits nude model and lesbian (oh, but they all are, in some degree or another) Amelie Mauresmo. She has neither the endearing strength of Henin-hardenne and Clijsters, nor the power of the Americans, but she`s pretty versatile, which is why she wins a lot of tournaments, just not a lot of important ones. It keeps her ranking high, but doesn`t guarantee her anything when the other girls show up and bring their `A` game.
Hittability: good.
|
|
Name: Ai Sugiyama
Rank: #12 in the world
Why: Sometimes Sugiyama shows up in a gigantic robot which combines with other robots to form an even bigger robot, and she shouts out things like "Super Racket Mystery Attack! Ignite!" before she hits the ball. Often times when she makes contact, an explosion will blow up Neo-Tokyo III. Many awesome funs will transcribe the danger if she wins a tournament. Japan is super crazy place, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!
Hittability: She`s from Japan, what do you think? Watch out for the tenticles.
|
|
Name: Mary Pierce
Rank: #31 in the world
Why: A veteran, Montreal-born but French nationalized Mary Pierce is one of the kinkiest women in tennis. Professing all sorts of naughty exploits, she apparently never wearing clothes when she`s at home, and purportedly played one tennis match with no underwear. She`s also married to Roberto Alomar, which I guess is important in some way. She has got one of the hardest bodies in pro sports.
Hittability: Ignore the face, go for the body.
|
|
Name: Jelena Dokic
Rank: #23 in the world
Why: I remember when Dokic broke into the WTA as a 16 year old sprite in 2001. Just a wee thing. Of course, everyone knew who she was, but it wasn`t because of anything she did. Simply put, she had a psycho for a father, who often times tried to come onto the court during her matches. His antics had gotten so bad that everyone (including his own family, and her, who is profusely apologetic for his behavior) got pissed off at him, and he was eventually banned from all WTA tennis events. Not surprisingly, her play quickly improved thereafter, but that`s not the important part. The important part is, as a 16 year old, she was still growing, and in the span of a year all of a sudden her breasts just ballooned out to three times their size! What fun. It was entrancing to watch her cope on the court with the changes her new body had blessed her, but I think she`s got it under control now. She`s one of my favourites. I hope she wins something someday.
Hittability: Total and complete hotness. You`d have to be absolutely gay to not be captivated by her on-court blossoming into womanhood.
|
|
Name: Anna Kournikova
Rank: retired
Why: She hasn`t played in years, she never won a single tournament, and she`s still the most popular female tennis player in the world.
Hittability: Duh. But on second thought....after Pavel, Sergei and Enrique (and who knows who else).....would you really want to?
|
|
The Russian Hordes
Names: Nadia Petrova, Elena Dementieva, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Vera Zvonareva, Maria Sharapova, Elena Bovina, Elena Likhovtseva, Lina Krasnoroutskaya, Dinara Safina, Alina Jidkova, Vera Douchevina, Maria Kirilenko
Ranks: They`re in the top 100, that`s all I know. There`s probably ten times as many beyond that.
Why: Six years ago, every 10 year old girl in White Russia saw Anna Kournikova on TV and realized "holy shit! I can be a famous tennis player without actually being any good too!" And...well...here they are. There were whispers in 2002 of some 16 year old blonde phenom called Sharapova. And then, 6 months later, reports of a 16 year old blonde phenom called Kirilenko. And then a couple months later, there arose--stop me if you`ve heard this before--a 16 year old blonde tennis player named Jidkova. A short while later....a 16 year old blonde from Russia arrived. Nowadays, it seems teenage blonde tennis players are coming out of Russia at a rate of 1-3 a week, and it`s quickly becoming Russia`s most profitable export. Like any kind of exploitation of a theme, you could call them knockoffs. Or clones. But at least they seem to be trying to make a go at being tennis players first and fashion models second (except for maybe Sharapova, who already was a model before she picked up a racket).
Are any of them any good? Well....not surprisingly, no. I mean...they`re good enough for the tour and for a ranking, but don`t expect to see them hoisting the Wimbledon plate anytime soon. Personally, I think their statistics are inflated, and that the WTA keeps them around at all the tournaments because hot chicks playing tennis is a tried-and-true ratings formula. Ironically, the best Russian in the WTA isn`t blonde or 16 or even goodlooking, but fifth seed slavic-hose beast Anastasia Myskina, whom I`m not putting up here because she is not hittable. At all. She is like the Mike Ricci of tennis players. As for the rest of them: they make for good eyecandy, and they make for good cannon fodder for the Americans` pulverizing smash game. And they`ll always have other options if this tennis gig doesn`t work out.
Hittability: Oh you bet. They make the Olsen twins look like Roseanne and Rosie on a bear skin rug. *shudder*
|
|
Name: Conchita Martinez
Rank: #21 in the world
Why: The Latin countries always seem to send over one token representative, who may or may not be hot--for some reason that`s a touch and go issue when it comes to tennis, despite their legendary attractivity. It could go both ways. On the one hand, you could have a "hit too many times with the ugly stick" like Arantxa Sanchez-Vicaro, but on the other hand a totally hot smokin` babe like Gabriella Sabatini, who`s posed nude enough times to make us feel grateful. Unfortunately, Conchita Martinez doesn`t exactly measure up to the fetching beauty of Sabatini (but, honestly: who can?). Best to wait for the next Latin sensation to come around, which it will in about 5 years, like clockwork, the way the Lambada, Macarena, Ricky Martin, Gloria Estefan and Rico Suave did.
Hittability: Ummm...no.
|
|
Ashley Harkleroad
Name: Ashley Harkleroad
Rank: I`m not sure
Why: To end this thing on a good note, here`s America`s answer to the Russian teenage onslought: Ashley Harkleroad. Jesus, her name even sounds like Kournikova. After creating a "my looks trump my tennis" buzz a couple years ago, she has conspiratorically dropped from view, but we`re patient. She`s only 16 in this picture, after all.
Hittability: Yessirree, it`s a good time to be a tennis fan. Yes, I know I`m going to hell.
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 comments - join this discussion...
|
|
|
|
