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(note: the full version of this article, replete with formatted, imbedded picture goodness, can be found at http://www.ishkur.com/sports/tennisstuds.php)
I'm an equal opportunity guy, so on the anniversary of my article on hot tennis chicks, I've decided to give you that hardcore, in depth, no-nonsense superlative-filled exhaustingly researched analysis you know I love, this time breaking down the men's side of things, replete with polished abs and grizzled frames and shouts of "come on!". The tennis season is beginning and the French Open is heating up, so away we go.
The Iceman
Name: Roger Federer
Rank: #1 in the world (and it will stay that way for a very long time)
Why: He has freon for blood. Roger Federer never shouts, never yells, never gets upset, never cries (well, except once: at the closing ceremony the first time he won Wimbledon), and never shows any visible signs of emotion on the court. Ever. He is cold, calculated, methodical, and devastatingly ruthless, like a machine cyborg sent back from the future to become the greatest tennis player ever. Federer has the complete game, but what sets him apart from everyone else is his ability to return everything. And I do mean everything. You could fire protons out of a particle accelerator at him, he would somehow return them as deftly as if they were whiffle balls. Such impeccable defence has everyone calling him the heir apparent to Andre Agassi. Offence may win games, but defence, as was exemplified with Federer whom, at one point last year, went something like 170 matches without losing, wins championships. In a game where the balls keep getting hit harder and faster, and service games become more complete and next to impossible to break, Federer is the great equalizer. Even Roddick's serve looks mortal to Federer's return game.
In addition to the stone-cold poker expression he has on the court is his off-court antics--they being none. Most tennis players have a manager or coach or parent or at least an entourage on tour with them. Federer travels with no one. He hasn't had a coach in five years. And from the looks of things, he doesn't need one.
I'm not gay but if I was: Ummm...yeah, I guess. It makes you think he'd probably be boring, though.
The Phenom
Name: Rafael Nadal
Rank: #5 in the world
Why: Probably the only kid with the talent and the ability to beat Federer on a consistent basis. He actually turned pro at age 15, and now, at only age 18 and climbing the ranks fast, he is kicking seven different kinds of ass and taking all sorts of really long names and chewing various flavours of bubblegum. Nadal is The Next Big Thing, but like Darth Vader told an upstart son of his, "but you're not a Jedi yet." He still has much to learn. He will win many many championships someday. But not yet. And not as long as Federer refuses to relinquish top spot.
I have never seen anyone play the angles as well as this kid does. He turns every defensive shot into a backbreaking cross-court winner. At first you think it's just luck and there's no way he could do it again, but he keeps doing it--time and time again. You cannot win against him by hoping he misses. Either give him a shot he can't return, or perish.
I'm not gay but if I was: He's lanky, but got that wicked muscle tone definition going. Also, he's latin, and as a rule latins are always sexy (but more on that later).
[b]The Badboy Rebel Who Plays By His Own Rules[b]
Name: Andy Roddick
Rank: #3 in the world
Why: Andy's got a serve that doubles as a launchpad for sending satellites into space. He packs more heat than a river of molten lava on the sun. Unfortunately, that's all he's got: Big Bertha serve, consistently in the 140+mph range (if you want to know how fast that is, remember that one time when Randy Johnson hit a bird? Well, if that had been a Roddick serve, the bird would have been vaporized). Enlisting the services of Brad Gilbert helped him win the US Open once, but that was back before Federer put the deep freeze on the coveted race for #1 seed. The problem is Andy's just not a complete player, and like a spoiled, immature little child, he gets impatient a lot and dislikes long rallies. The US Open is his favourite, naturally, and it's where he has his best chance at winning (also, being hard court, it's where his serve is fastest). That's where his rock n roll tennis persona shines, as he berates judges and highfives fans in the front row after important points. Everywhere else Andy is competitive, and will go deep in every tournament, but so long as Federer is there, he won't win a damn thing. But man...that serve of his. It comes at you like a god damn meteor.
I'm not gay but if I was: Andy's got that beedy little eye thing happening, making you think he's always up to something. He used to go out with Mandy Moore, but she allegedly dumped him because he wouldn't devote his undivided attention to her and treat her like the perfect princess she insisted she was. He spent too much time on tour playing tennis. Atta boy, Andy.
The Badboy Rebel Who Plays By His Own Rules: Aussie Edition
Name: Lleyton Hewitt
Rank: #2 in the world
Why: I really think Lleyton Hewitt is past his prime now. On the tennis circuit, the competition is so cutthroat and new players are coming in every year that the window for anyone's competitiveness is only a few short years. There's rarely such a thing as longevity in tennis. Most players are done and retired by age 25. Such is the case of Lleyton. He was winning everything in 2001, nowadays he'd be lucky to get out of the first round of any major. But he's pretty prolific on the tour, playing more tournaments than anyone else, which kind of inflates his ranking somewhat. But when it really comes down to it, he's no longer in the same class as Federer. Actually, come to think of it, no one is in the same class as Federer, and that's kind of the problem. But it won't be for long, as Nadal is slowly garnering experience and knowledge for a climactic confrontation with him the likes we haven't seen since Borg/McEnroe.
Lleyton has a signature yell after important points he wins: "Come on!" After four years of hearing this, I still don't get it. Wouldn't he be yelling that if he was losing, as a kind of way to pick himself up? What does he need to come on to if he's winning? Nevertheless, the yell has propogated memetically, and now almost half the guys on the tour do it. I can't tell if they do that because it works, or if it's a homage, or if they're making fun of him.
I'm not gay but if I was: Lleyton is engaged to spunky Belgian tennis hotness Kim Clijsters. But not in my fantasy, where he's much more suited as a slack-jawed aussie yokel surfing Bondi Beach. While yelling "Come on!"
The Old Legend Coming Out of Retirement For One Last Big Score
Name: Andre Agassi
Rank: #7 in the world
Why: Defying the odds, Andre Agassi is still competing at age 35, well past the lifespan of even the hardiest of tennis' seasoned pros. Though his cataclysmic conflagrations with Sampras throughout the 90s have since passed into tennis myth and lore and his equally legendary wife Steffi Graf has exchanged her racket for diapers and daycare services, Agassi himself is not yet ready to be put out to pasture. The new crop of hard-hitting servers keep getting better and better, but somehow the wily old veteran is unphased, still using his impeccable return game to stay on top of the heap. After winning everything countless times, what could he possibly want to keep playing for? Does he just love the game that much, or are there still a few things he could teach these young whipper snappers? They didn't exactly break the mold when they made him, after all. They upgraded it and then used it to create Federer. When Agassi plays him, it's like he's playing a much better version of himself. Made out of a mirror.
I'm not gay but if I was: Remember when he came into the league, it was Agassi who was the rock n roll tennis badboy who plays by his own rules, with those colourful early 90s jams and that bitchin' bleached surfer dude mullet? Yeah.....those were good times.
Name: Marat Safin
Rank: #4 in the world
Why: On his best day, The Safinator can also beat Federer, but that's not often. And, being Russian, people sometimes forget that Russia has a healthy contingent of male tennis players. Because of this, Safin has a funny relationship with the Russian media that can be only be called something in Russian that has no direct english equivalent. He's also a pretty funny guy too, letting the kids play with his balls and making goofy faces at the umpire for calling his shots out. He does this on the tennis court, too.
I'm not gay but if I was: Only if he loses that ugly goatee and grows his cute curly mini-fro back. Aside from that, Safin may very well be the best looking guy on the tour.
The Latin Hordes
Names: Gaston Gaudio, Guillermo Coria, Guillermo Canas, David Nalbandian, Carlos Moya, Tommy Robredo, David Ferrer, Feliciano Lopez, Fernando Gonzalez, Juan Ignacio Chela, Juan Carlos Ferrero, Mariano Puerta
Ranks: #6, #9, #10, #11, #15, #16, #21, #25, #26, #32, #33, #37 in the world, respectively
Why: It's like an army of Antonio Banderas', coming at you like the white blonde Russian girl invasion on the women's tour, it's tons and tons of dark-haired, bronze-skinned hunks of burning men. All these guys speak Spanish, except for the ones that speak Portuguese, so that means they're all from Spain, except for the ones that are from Argentina, and a couple Chileans too. The interesting thing about all the Latin tennis players is they're awesome on clay, but suck everywhere else. So they always invade and win the French Open in droves, but the rest of the year they're completely missing from the picture, dropping out of site from the majors and going for smaller, clay-based tournies instead. Except for Nadal, because he's the real deal who will win everything someday.
I'm not gay but if I was: Latin lovers. Tall dark and handsome. What do you think?
Name: Tommy Haas
Rank: #22 in the world
Why: Tommy Haas, always a force for progressive social change, has campaigned laboriously for tennis players to be allowed to wear shirts with no sleeves. I'm not making this up: this guy hates sleeves. I guess because it messes with his serve. At any rate, most of the tournaments capitulated, figuring that if the girls can wear one-piece skintight suits, then the guys should be allowed to wear more revealing clothing as well. Every major tournament changed its bylaws to accomodate this....except Wimbledon. The stuffy, all-England club still insists on a conservative clothing policy of white only. Shorts and shirts. With sleeves. Like what difference is it going to make? Stupid stodgy brits. Who's stupid idea was it to have tennis be played on grass in the first place, anyway?
I'm not gay but if I was: I actually forgot what Tommy Haas looked like until I surfed for his picture, so your assessment is as good as mine.
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