A Purposely Pugnacious Prediction of this year's Puck-off Playdowns
By Ishkur and Lord Stanley, Earl of Preston
Bettman's hockey prowess, in action!
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If the average American has learned anything from this year's NHL season, it's that hockey players are certifiably insane. Either that, or they are ten years away from transforming into full-on Roman gladiators. I bet 100 years from now we'll be throwing golfers to the lions. Gary Bettman tried for years to secure that elusive American market by removing the violence from hockey. Yes, of course. Everyone just hates violence in hockey. That's why whenever a fight breaks out, they leave their seats and head for the concession. Well, fortunately it backfired, because this year hockey has been the most violentist it's ever been since Reg Dunlop and Ogie Oglethorp squared off at centre ice to settle things once and for all. You get the feeling that the only people really truly offended by the game's barbarism are the same types offended by Janet Jackson's Superbowl Shuffle. And since when have we ever cared what they thought?
Anyways, enough ballyhoo. Here we go. March Madness is over, baseball won't be interesting for awhile yet, and basketball isn't even a sport anymore. It's time for the most grueling tournament in pro sports. Here's how the first round match-ups measure up.
Western Conference
Detroit (1) vs. Nashville (8)
Nashville is like the Bad News Bears of the NHL. They also have given the Wings tons of fits this year, and if there are going to be any upsets in the playoffs, it's this bracket right here. On the other hand, Detroit is determined not to let last year's ousting by the upstart Anaheim JS Gigueres be repeated. They have learned from their past mistakes and have really come together as a team. They are now older, wiser, and have a little more experience. Maybe just enough to make it to the second round! But we shall see. Predators in 7. 6 if Jordin Tootoo takes out Chelios early and dances like Dhalsim after.
San Jose (2) vs. St. Louis (7)
San Jose is all like "Yeeeaaaah biaatch. Guess who's back. Back again. Sharkies back. Bring a friend." After the dismal decimation last year, the tech company rolled into action when it actually turned a profit, creating excitement on the NASDAQ. St. Louis is.....jesus, what the hell happened to St. Louis? You know your team has vastly underperformed when its most exciting moment of the year was watching Blues-killer Bertuzzi removed indefinitely from play. They're still shaking their fists at the Canucks for that one. Sharks in 5.
Vancouver (3) vs. Calgary (6)
Believe it or not, in the absence of Bertuzzi the Canucks are actually a better team. Stripping down the raw brute force style of play that had become the predictable mandate of a crushing Bertuzzi-led offense, they got sleeker, quicker, and very sharp. It's like going from a 12-gauge shotgun to an M21 sniper rifle. Calgary, in their first postseason in 8 years, are just happy to be here. A win for them is gravy on the potatoes. A first round loss for Vancouver is a bitter dissapointment, and they aren't going to take anything for granted. Canucks in 5. Alternatively, I can also see Flames in 6 providing two things happen: 1) Kiprusoff shoves the same horseshoes up his ass that Giguere did last year and 2) Cloutier plays like a god damn retard (which actually happens more often than not for him in the playoffs).
Granato's coaching prowess!
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Colorado (4) vs. Dallas (5)
There's really only one thing wrong with Colorado: they have a moron for a coach. He knows his way around the game, sure, but he doesn't know his way around player personalities, and if you ask the best coach ever (Scotty Bowman), managing locker room chemisty is way more important than teaching on-ice skills. Even worse, they have an idiot for an assistant coach, and both of them don't get along. Yeah, two former NHL goons running the most talented team in professional hockey. Now you're starting to see why they lost the division title this year. Now you're starting to see why, for a team loaded with offensive weapons, the "gun tends to jam" (so to speak). Now you see why they don't have a hope in hell of going up against a sound Dallas team that is really pissed off these days for some reason. Stars in 5. Maybe 6, but only if Aebischer is really good in one of those games.
Eastern Conference
Tampa Bay (1) vs. New York (8)
Of course we're talking about the Islanders, because the Rangers are never in the playoffs. Tampa Bay, however, is the most overrated team in the League. Christ, my sister's broom ball team can get 106 points if they play 24 games against Washington, Florida, Carolina and Atlanta, collectively known as the Detroit Tigers of the NHL. Seriously, who's stupid idea was it to sad-sack that sorry excuse of a southeast division with three expansion teams that have less wins than the government has honest politicians? Boston, Toronto and Ottawa are frantically running around trying everything short of weapons of mass destruction to avoid playing each other in the first round, and the bolts get a weak schedule and an over-inflated winning percentage because their division is so pathetic none of those teams would know how to win if the puck was the key to salvation and the net was God's butthole. With that said, the Isles are playing also-rans again. Hey, remember Mike Bossy? Lightning in 5. Unless they choke in the process.
Boston (2) vs. Monteal (7)
Flashbacks of May 10, 1979 all over again. Classic, classic rivalry. If only Bourque were still playing. He would have loved this. Montreal bears little resemblance to the team of old and let's hope things stay that way for a very very long time, so they have to suffer the years of mediocrity that fans in every other city had to endure. Stupid exclusive rights to Quebec Major Junior League draft clause. Theodore is not Roy. He's not even Dryden yet. Bruins in 6. 7 if Thornton remains hurt. 5 if Bobby Orr comes out of retirement. 4 if Esposito does too.
Philadelphia (3) vs. New Jersey (6)
Pat Burns has one good year with every team he's been with. One. After that, his teams steadily decline into obscurity. So his only chance to do something with the Devils was last year, in which he did. This year, expectations and results will be short. Not like anyone in new Jersey cares anyway. They don't even get sell-out games until they reach the finals. I think the one positive out of this year's playoffs: Jersey is the only habitually trapping team left. And when they're ousted, it's a return to good ole firewagon hockey. And Philly's got tons of that. Flyers in 7. Not even Scott Stevens can save you now, annoying hockey turds who won't come out of your zone and fight like a man.
Tie Domi cries about the Leafs' utter futility.
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Toronto (4) vs. Ottawa (5)
Ottawa's on a mission, and that mission is to at least go further than the Leafs. If that means going through the Leafs, then so be it. Because no one likes the Leafs. No one. There is a special state of delusional insanity reserved for anyone who remotely likes this team. They have done nothing in 37 years. Throughout the entire 70s and 80s, they amassed a totality of something like 14 wins. They have not gotten a fart's whiff of greatness since Johnson was President, and anyone who thinks they're going to magically become less futile now is a complete moron. The team is full of divers, whiners, cheap shot artists and castoffs by other teams who don't want them. Yet their every move is scrutinized as if they're important somehow. There's a national crisis declared in the Toronto Star if Darcy Tucker gets a hangnail. They loaded up their plate at the senior's buffet at the trading deadline (for the second straight year) and then declared the Stanley Cup automatically theirs (only to have their acquisitions injure themselves a game later when they suffered an acute form of dementia after realizing they were playing for the Leafs). No one likes the Leafs. They are the Detroit Lions of the NHL, and their pitiful Saturday night swagger hour is getting more irrelevant as time goes on. And don't even get me started on Leafs' fans. Senators in 4.
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