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When I arrived at the University of Maryland as a freshman, the school’s football and basketball programs were really nothing to burn down College Park over.
Gary Williams had a .500 team in the ACC, playing in the shadows of Wake Forest, Georgia Tech and North Carolina. And the most exciting player on the Terrapin men’s basketball squad was some guy named Exree Hipp.
The less said about the football Terps, the better. Basically, they were a reason to drink somewhere other than your dorm for an afternoon in the fall.
But Maryland fans had pride. Stupid pride, but pride nonetheless. We took pride in being the snarly underdog, one whose bark was much worse than its toothless teams’ bite. College kids are expected to carry a little attitude, but we were just a bunch of pricks.
For example, when the starting lineup was announced for the opposing basketball teams, we’d take out our student newspaper, open it up in front of our faces, and shake it violently. Then, after the team was announced, we’d throw them on the court.
Classy, huh?
Most mostly, we enjoyed the vulgarity that became synonymous with Maryland athletics. The “a—hole” chants. The “F*ck Duke” T-shirts. It really wasn’t a game unless the stands sounded like outtakes from a Chris Rock concert.
One of our crowing achievements was turning the Gary Glitter song, and arena staple, “Rock and Roll, Part II” into mocking ode to the futility of our opponents:
Dadada da da da da da
“Hey…You Suck!”
Dadada da da da da da
“Hey…You Suck!”
Dadada da da da da da
“Hey…You Suck!”
“We’re gonna beat the hell out of you
and you
and you
and you!”
Classy, huh?
The song was frequently played by the Maryland Marching Band at hoops and pigskin games. But now, the band has been banned from playing it after Maryland touchdowns during coach Ralph Friedgen`s football games at Byrd Stadium — at his request.
"We`ve got to a point now at football and basketball where winning is something that happens," he told the university student newspaper. "You shouldn`t feel like you`ve got to do something else to make a big deal out of winning."
Friedgen had previously complained that the chants actually made parents urge their recruits to stop considering Maryland for football. (Considering the Terps’ recent run of Bowl appearances, perhaps this was an effective way to filter out the duds.)
The Terps fans will now do one of two things:
1. Sing the song themselves at a time in which it will not be drowned out by the band’s new tune post-touchdown tune.
2. Turn over some cop cars and light them on fire in the middle of Route 1…like we just defeated Duke at something.
Whether you believe they are vulgar or not, Maryland fans are being muzzled by an administration that would have given anything to hear more than a yawn at a football game just over a decade ago. And in turn, are following the same folly we’ve seen time and time again in sports.
Because they can affect the outcome of the game, fans are expected to provide all the enthusiasm and volume they can muster for four quarters. The PA announcer asks for it. (“Hey fans…it’s fooooooourth down!”) The scoreboard and stadium music encourage it. Hell, if you’re not up on your chair and bellowing like a mental patient during a goal-line stand, it’s guaranteed some guy with a painted face is going to bash you on the skull with his hardhat until you are.
Yet with all that pressure on fans to make as much noise as they can, the National Football League actually prohibited them from making too much of it.
In one of the preeminent killjoy moves in sports history, the NFL’s Competition Committee created a “crowd noise” rule in the late 1980s in response to deafening homefields like the Kingdome in Seattle. Under the rule, an opposing player could ask the referee to do something about the “excessive” crowd noise that was hindering the effectiveness of his team’s audibles. The officials would then make an announcement to the crowd, asking for a reasonable decrease in volume. This would inevitably lead to an immediate increase in amplification—in the form of booing, hissing and creative expletives—which would leave the referee no choice but to take away a timeout from the home team, or to levy a five-yard penalty if it’s out of timeouts.
Basically, the rule is a delay of game call, even though one team is ready to play and the other team would be ready if it wasn’t so damn preoccupied with what the paying customers are saying.
The crowd noise rule remains one of those quirky laws that’s on the books but is rarely enforced; like those city ordinances from 1845 that ban gay cats from drinking whiskey on a Thursday. The only time enforcement of the rule is even considered is when teams are accused of artificially pumping up the volume, such as when music or pre-recorded cheering is broadcast after the visiting team breaks an offensive huddle.
This rule is incongruous on three levels. First, who the hell cares what a team does to enhance its homefield advantage? Anything short of having the cheerleaders perform a defensive endzone sex show during a fourth-and-goal situation should be legal.
Second, why would the NFL do anything to muzzle its most loyal customers? Garish volume is a problem most professional sports would love to have; why not ship some of that excess noise over to Major League Baseball so games in May don’t sound like the smoking lounge in the basement of a funeral home?
Finally, for an All-American outfit like the NFL, could it possibly have a more unpatriotic statute on the books? Not only does the crowd noise rule violate the fans’ constitutional protection against abridgement of their freedom of speech, but it also violates their right to peacefully assemble as well. That’s half the first amendment!
(I can hear our forefathers weeping now…)
Fans at the University of Maryland have been sent a clear message: We want your money, we want your enthusiasm, but we don’t want the way you choose to express it.
Hopefully, more than a few fans will send a message of their own: I’ll keep my money, buy a dish, and then say whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want…now find some freshman to purchase your overpriced stadium food with daddy’s money.
***
Published on the web since 1997, "The Jester`s Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.
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