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5:45 PM – I just walked into the apartment and caught the latter half of the Stevie Wonder medley. At first I was disappointed because I missed the first part, but then I watched the second half. Is there any form of entertainment more embarrassing for those involved than performing for a big football game? I can understand the logic though. These shows are supposed to be more of a spectacle than a game, and this is the event where people who don’t even care about football watch, but do they intentionally make these things suck? Why do people think that football fans enjoy people doing choreographed dances wearing idiotic costumes? I am convinced that I could plan these things better than the originals. No special effects, no dancers, no half-assed talents taking away from the star, let’s just put Stevie Wonder on the 50-yard line with his band and let him play a few songs. Zany as it is, it just might work!
5:53 PM – The Full Throttle Kickoff Show just started with the usual Hank Williams Jr. montage. I think he died four years ago and rather than put Kenny Chesney or Tim McGraw up there, ABC hired the world’s best puppeteers to make Bocephus look like he’s still kickin’. It’s turned into “Weekend at Hank’s”. I am glad that Al Michaels is calling the game, though. I would have probably resorted to hitting mute and listening to my iPod during the game if the game was on FOX and Joe “Takes Long Unexplainable Breaks During The Cast” Buck was doing play-by-play. There has to be some explanation for Buck’s weird ability to sit silent during the most important parts of a game. Does he get choked up like Dick Vermeil during a speech? Does he have the worst bladder control in America? I need to know these things.
6:03 PM – I’m glad they’re honoring the former Superbowl MVPs. It was good to remember that at one point Jerry Rice was the most dominant wide receiver in NFL history instead of a contestant in the most horrifying reality series ever. I wonder if an entire generation of young people will see him and say, “You’re the guy who danced a little bit better than Master P!” I didn’t think I could be any more depressed than I was when I watched my favorite boxer of the past 10 years try to salsa…until Jerry stepped in. If Bo Jackson and Norman Schwarzkopf step in next year, I may never watch TV again.
6:09 PM – How fitting that the Seahawks came out to a song that made the Rolling Stones made a crapton of money off of. (Yes I know The Verve sang it, but they ripped off a Stones song and had to give them a ginormous chunk of the royalties.) Does anyone listen to “Bittersweet Symphony” and get hyped to play a football game? I will always say that there is no better song to play before a game than AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck”.
6:13 PM – Oh my God…Aretha Franklin is actually bigger than Aaron Neville.
6:21 PM – Isn’t it a little insulting to ask Tom Brady to do the coin toss? “Hey Tom, I know you had a chance to make it to the Superbowl this year, but would you mind coming out here and pretending that you don’t play any more?” Why not bring out Peyton Manning, Jake Plummer, Jake Delhome and Carson Palmer, too? Hell, let’s have the San Diego Chargers come out and toss a giant coin, followed by a speech from Paul Tagliabue telling them that if they try hard enough, maybe they can one day be as good as these guys!
6:26 PM – I swear to God that Jeff Reed was high out of his mind when they took his program picture.
6:31 PM – First commercial break! You can always count on Bud Light. Bud Light is the Robert Horry of good commercials. You never go into the game wondering if they’ll come through, you just know they will. Hats off to Burger King for the most forgettable Superbowl commercial since the Dot-Com days. Where are all the monkeys this year?
6:37 PM – Wow. Seattle’s defense is playing angry. I think this year shows that the people who vote for Rookie of the Year look at stats and stats alone. Shawne Merriman had a great year on paper, but ask anyone on the Chargers’ defense if Merriman runs the show. I think Donnie Edwards would have a few things to say about that. Lofa Tatupu owns the field when he’s out there. Can’t the people who raised eight kinds of Hell during the 2000 presidential election bring out their powers for other votes too?
6:48 PM – I would write a blurb here about how good of a block Pittsburgh tight end just had, but I’m sure Wade Peery has already beat me to it. I bet that kid could name every Virginia Cavalier in the NFL, and know their exact stats. Go find his column and see if he proves me right.
6:50 PM – Great punt return from Peter Warrick. This makes two years in a row that a former Bengal can own a Superbowl ring the year after they split. By the way, if Bud Light is the Robert Horry of Superbowl commercials, then Diet Pepsi is the Freddie Mitchell: all flash, no substance. Diddy should be ashamed.
6:54 PM – I think Mike Holmgren found out how to neutralize Troy Polamalu: throw the ball wherever Ike Taylor is positioned. Pittsburgh’s corners are not good. I never thought losing Chad Scott would make a defense worse. Nice ticky-tack penalty to take away the game’s first touchdown. Seattle keeps trying to run outside, and I have no idea why. Football 101 says when you go against a team with ridiculous speed in their front seven, you run up the gut. Going outside also negates the inside of the line for the most part. Run right at Farrior and Foote, they are not gap-pluggers.
7:02 PM – Jerome Bettis’ asthma must be really bad. So far his homecoming has equaled one really big sprint out on the field when they announced the Steelers at the beginning of the pregame show. Here’s my disclaimer: Jerome Bettis is my favorite Steeler player. Granted that would be about the same as asking me to name my favorite WWII German general, but take it for what it’s worth.
7:07 PM – The Seahawks run the ball up the gut and get seven yards. I should be a coach!
7:10 PM – Big block by Seattle fullback Mack Strong that sparked a debate with my roommate. Who has the best name in the NFL? We narrowed it down to Mack Strong, Boss Bailey, and Jeff Smoker.
7:13 PM – Just found out that the last time a team was held to no first downs in the first quarter, the Bears were shuffling.
7:17 PM – Monkey commercial!!! I’m wondering which god I pleased this week. Here’s a: random thought: when the NFL players do their United Way services, do they really wear their jerseys?
7:22 PM – John Madden just said exactly what I was telling my roommate. The Steelers are playing this game like a video game. They have no strategy. They’re just trying to find something that works and then go with it. They’re lucky that Seattle is struggling once they get four or five plays into each offensive series. The game could be a lot worse that 3-0 right now.
7:25 PM – Every high school coach in America who tells his players not to leave their feet when they return kicks and punts just set this game on “Save Until Manually Deleted” on their TiVos. Antwaan Randle-El commits a fundamental football mistake and almost became the next Darryl Stingley. It’s good to see Randle-El in the game a few plays later. That hit he took on the punt return was one of the most painful-looking hits since Don Beebe was flipped upside-down and landed on his head.
7:31 PM – Big Ben’s starting to get into a groove now, but he’s leading his receivers into big hits. If the landlord from “Dirty Work” were a wide receiver from Pittsburgh, he would owe Roethlisberger one punch in the stomach. Heath Miller just got whistled for offensive pass interference. Wade Peery in 3…2…1…
7:43 PM – I have said since the Indianapolis game that the Steelers looked like a team of destiny this year. With everything that fell into place to get Pittsburgh to the Superbowl, I swear there is some sort of sorcery involved. This game has something that the others did not; the referees have been giving every call to the Steelers. Factor in the touchdown that was called a push-off, the countless holding penalties, the fact that only two false start penalties have been called on the Steelers, and the Roethlisberger touchdown that should have been 4th and inches and you have a game that would really piss off Joey Porter…if he played for the Seahawks. I’m not trying to start a conspiracy theory; I’m a little too mature to think that professional referees get together before the game and decide to screw one team. I’m just saying that every big situation has gone Pittsburgh’s way.
7:53 PM – End of the first half. Seattle comes out on every drive looking like they have this Pittsburgh defense figured out, then for some inexplicable reason they screw it up. Be it a penalty, a receiver having no idea where he is on the field, or Hasselbeck calling audibles for 10 seconds when there are 20 seconds to play, the Seahawks are finding ways not to score. Seattle’s defense came out playing like possessed men and now that Cowher and Co. are starting to figure them out, Seattle needs to get things going offensively. Hats off to Pittsburgh for hanging tough. That’s as close as you’ll get to hear a compliment for the Steelers.
8:06 PM – Is it just me or do the Rolling Stones look and sound like a really bad Rolling Stones cover band? Every year I hope the halftime show is good, and with the exception of U2 at the 2002 show, I’ve been disappointed. Everything about that U2 show was perfect. U2 was still playing great music, and they had such a great tribute to the 9/11 victims. I will give them credit, there are no crappy dancers (save for Mick Jagger), no awful cameos from talentless pop artists, and they’re just letting them play…but it’s still horrible. I actually enjoyed Paul McCartney more. At least Paul McCartney can sing and doesn’t look like he just finished a 3-month cocaine bender. I’m sure if someone told the Rolling Stones in 1976 that they will play the halftime show at the Superbowl 30 years later, they would ask to be euthanized. God I miss the Bud Bowl.
8:30 PM – It took a big helping of a D.P. Dough calzone to make me feel better about that halftime show. By the way, “Fast” Willie Parker is an understatement. I blinked and missed his touchdown run. I have a really sick feeling that the Steelers will draft either LenDale White or Laurence Maroney and have the best thunder and lightning backfield in the NFL for the next eight years. Every year Pittsburgh seems to draft somebody in the first round who makes an instant impact for their team.
8:38 PM – Jerramy Stevens had a big chance to legitimize himself…and he dropped a wide open pass that would have given Seattle 1st and goal. Instead, Josh Brown missed his second field goal of the game and Pittsburgh has a great chance to put the game away in the early third quarter. People in the music industry say that making it big depends on luck mixing with preparedness and opportunity. Football is the same way. Very rarely does the perfect play get called with the perfect personnel. When that play comes, if you aren’t prepared to do everything you can to make the big catch, then maybe you shouldn’t be making guarantees on Media Day. Maybe I’m just spinning my wheels here.
8:51 PM – My roommate, a Cleveland Browns fan, just about jumped out of his skin when Kelly Herndon picked off Roethlisberger’s pass. Throw in Big Ben getting thrown like a rag doll and I think I just witnessed possibly the greatest moment in his life. Three plays later Jerramy Stevens listened to my advice and caught a touchdown pass. Follow that up with yet another new monkey commercial, and I’m positive that I just witnessed the greatest moment in his life. The only thing that could make this better is if Bernie Kosar walked in the door with Art Modell’s head on a stake.
8:58 PM – They just showed the replay of Stevens’ touchdown catch. He broke Troy Polamalu’s ankles and got more separation than I could believe. With all the hype for Polamalu coming into this game, he has been silent. I can remember one tackle that he made. PS: Stevens just dropped another pass. If Seattle wins, I can tell you who won’t be the MVP.
9:06 PM – I love the awkwardness that abounds every time a network asks a play-by-play guy to plug some show that he obviously never watches. Al Michaels just gave a shoutout to “Grey’s Anatomy” with the enthusiasm of a dead fish. The best ever came in the Rose Bowl when Keith Jackson plugged “Emily’s Reasons Why Not” and just stopped halfway through the scripted plug and said, “Oh, I don’t know.”
9:11 PM – Matt Hasselbeck just scrambled for a first down past an injured Clark Haggans. I don’t know how many people caught it, but Hasselbeck set the ball right in front of Haggans’ face before running back to the huddle. Attention Jerry Porter: sometimes when trash talking, less is more. Sprint just had another good commercial. So far we have Bud Light Horry, Diet Pepsi Mitchell, and Sprint now becomes Scott Podsednik in the World Series. No great commercials up into the Superbowl, but then comes up big in the game. Podsednik: no regular season home runs, then hits a walk-off to win a big game. Careerbuilder is one more monkey commercial away from getting a sports equivalent.
9:20 PM – Another huge play erased by a penalty for Seattle. I wish I would have kept track of the penalties called in this game. Shaun Alexander just got horse-collared by Joey Porter. Didn’t they make that a penalty this year? Why make something an official rule if they aren’t going to call it unless someone breaks both legs and tears both ACLs? Another head-scratcher: Hasselbeck dove to make a tackle after a God-awful interception throw and gets whistled for going low to take on a block. The replay showed that he not only dove past the blocker, but he also hit Ike Taylor, who was running the ball. Wow.
9:27 PM – Randle-El just hit Hines Ward for a touchdown on a reverse pass. Granted, Seattle is not playing well at all right now, but they’re not exactly getting any help from the stripes.
9:29 PM – Ohio University alum Richard Dean Anderson just starred in the best commercial of the night: the MacGyver Mastercard. Genius. I love my school. Now all we need are Al Bundy and Matt Lauer to star in a commercial with the chick from Coyote Ugly and it’ll be a great night for OU.
9:36 PM – As quiet as Polamalu has been, I have to say that Shaun Alexander has been quieter. The MVP has been a non-factor so far, to the point that it might as well be Rod Smart (AKA “He Hate Me” from XFL fame) playing. Speaking of XFL, has there ever been a more up-and-down player than Tommy Maddox? Good quarterback becomes irrelevant, sells insurance for a living, becomes the best player in XFL history (all one year of it), wins the Comeback Player of the Year Award, then becomes the one player in the NFL who makes his team’s fans faint at the possibility that he might have to step on the field. I love it when I get to mention Hank Williams Jr., “Dirty Work”, Bernie Kosar and the XFL in one column!
9:51 PM – They just replayed Jerome Bettis’ fumble against the Colts. I can’t believe how close he came to being the next Ernest Byner. That play could have become the most talked about play since the Music City Miracle and the Immaculate Reception; but it ended up only being a footnote to how the stars have aligned for the Steelers this year.
9:57 PM – I tried to watch “Grey’s Anatomy” once, and I thought it was horrible. Something tells me that when trauma surgeons don’t talk about sex, music and their love lives while massaging a heart back into beating. Now I’m going to have to watch this damn show just to see what was so horrible that made everyone lose their minds during the commercials. I honestly don’t care, but I know I’m going to end up watching it. I hate commercials. Where are those monkeys when I need them?
10:04 PM – The Steelers finally have “One for the Thumb.” I have to hand it to them. They outplayed the Seahawks for the final three quarters and deserved to win. I have made a lot of complaints about the officiating, and they certainly didn’t earn any friends in Seattle, but the Seahawks didn’t have what it takes when all was said and done. This was an example of what we’ll see from here on out with Superbowls. From now on there won’t be any great teams playing, just one good team going against a slightly better team. I think you can chalk that up to the usual suspects: free agency, players demanding trades, the revolving door coaching era, and a league with the talent spread too thin because of expansion. I’m glad that there won’t be any more dynasties (keep an eye out for a future column).
10:11 PM – I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually happy for Bill Cowher. Looking back, I guess I’ve always hated the Steelers but liked Cowher. I have a feeling Jerome Bettis will retire now, and if Bill Cowher were to step down, I could completely and truly hate the Steelers. Hines Ward just took the MVP award. I used to like him until this year. He not once, but twice, used a touchdown celebration to taunt the team he was playing. Yes, that team was the Bengals. In the first game, he caught a TD and did Chad Johnson’s Riverdance. I chalked that one up to a lack of creativity. In the second game, he caught a TD and did the Ickey Shuffle. I may be overlooking something, but the last time I remember a player using a celebration to ridicule another team was Terrell Owens running to the star against the Cowboys. This outraged people to the point that when George Teague planted him with a late hit, everyone applauded. I guess smiling a lot while you play gets you a Get Out of Jail Free card when it comes to stuff like that. I’d love to sit and write even more about all the ways I hate the Steelers, but I have to go to prepare for the worst year of my life. The Steelers fans will be even more annoying from here on out, and I guess I have to deal with it. Congratulations Pittsburgh, just stay the hell away from me.
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