As the Olympic Games dawn upon us, let`s take a moment to reflect in the spirit of the spectacle: the sacred drive for productive achievement, the beauty and grace of the human form, the endless pushing of the limits of human capability, and the thrill and honour of competition.

Okay, seriously, the Olympics is really about one thing and one thing only: proving to everybody that your country is the baddest motherfucker on the planet. And it shows in that neat little table accompanying every morning paper, separated from the events results by its importance and magnanimity: the medal standings. Right there, in clear black and white ink, untainted by doping scandals, bloc judging or secret Soviet training techniques: verifiable proof which country is the bestest. If your nation wins the most medals, all citizens get a free toaster. So there`s a lot at stake!

2002 Winter Olympics medal standings

1. One medal per athlete per event

The toughest events to win at the Olympics are the team games. While some individual events are over in seconds and can begin on a brisk morning with the medal ceremony being that afternoon, all the team events last the entire two weeks, weeding the field down through rigourous hours of competition, preliminary rounds, and tournament knockoffs, until the final two teams play for the gold. Yet at the end it still only shows up as one (1) medal. Why bother going through all those years of training, coaching, and preparation if your sport is worth the same as 3m springboard diving? Why send a water polo team, when each guy could train for the bazillion or so other swimming events instead, and win your country more bragging? Observe, for example, the results of the Winter Olympics in 2002. You`d think that Germany is the studliest nation ever, but that`s only because no one is factoring in Canada`s men and women`s curling and hockey teams. That`s some 50+ athletes bringing home major hardware, showing up as a mere 4 medals in the standings. Norway sends one biathlete and he gets 5 medals, Canada has 20 athletes working collectively for 1. Germany may have won the most events, but the Canadian team came home with more medals around their necks.

2002 Winter Olympics medal standings, per athlete.

2. 2. Remove redundant events

Okay, now we have synchronized diving? Isn`t that a little excessive? We know how one person looks when they dive, two people aren`t going to look any different. It`s cool to see them do it, but come on: this is stuff you want to see in the Cirque du Soleil, not the Olympics. Also, the amount of swimming events is staggering. Mark Spitz won seven gold medals in 1972. Seven. Do we really need all these events reinforcing who`s the fastest swimmer? While this guy is crawling on his belly dragging an ore mine around his neck, the national basketball team is fighting political opposition for the entire games trying to win their one medal. Where`s the justice in that? If you applied the individual event concept to team sports, there oughta be a 2-on-2 basketball tournament, a 3-on-3 basketball tournament, and of course regular basketball. Also, a slam dunk competition, a 3-point competition, and a national mascot springboard dunk competition. All medal events. Oh, and maybe a little Slamball as a demonstration sport. And yes, each country can send multiple teams of athletes to win multiple medals in all basketball "disciplines".

Redundant events are stupid. The guy who won the 50m freestyle will invariably be in the 100m and 200m as well. Why are those extra events even there? Things are even worse in track. Look, you are either a sprinter or a distance runner. Remove all the meddling "middle" events. The 100m determines the world`s fastest man. The 400m is once around the track, which is momentous. And the mile is always a special distance. But the 200 and 800 are utterly useless. Yes, we saw you run really fast, we don`t really need to see you run really fast a little bit further.

3. Allow drugs

This really isn`t a medal count issue, but I think it needs to be said: nowadays supplements, vitamins and athletic physiology has become such chemistry that it`s hard to distinguish what`s a drug anymore. All athletes do drugs. All of them. They`re just clever enough not to get caught. But they`ve all taken performance-enhancing thingamajiggers at one time or another to advance their careers. So why the stigma? Who are we protecting? The athlete`s lives? IOC people, in case you hadn`t noticed these games ARE the athlete`s lives, and a good many of them would rather die than perform poorly. If they want to accelerate their bodies past normalcy, let them. May the best cotton-spitting, pupil dilated, acne-riddled, dink shrivelled, roid raging super human win.

Another thing I don`t understand: why is it okay for technology to shatter records, but not drugs. When the clap skate came out, speedskating records fell by the ton. Yet if an athlete drinks a cup of coffee, he`s banninated for life. What if technology comes out allowing swimmers to grow webbed toes. Weightlifters are getting into such insane amounts of weight these days that ultimately they`re going to need adamantium grafted onto their bones so their spine doesn`t telescope. Will that be legal? See, technology is guilty of performance enhancement far more than drugs are. And things are going to get worse when they start genetically producing pitchers with 200mph fastballs and Nike begins manufacturing basketball shoes with flubber soles. And how come video games keep telling us winners don`t use drugs? That`s utter crap. Has the FBI been paying attention? Drug users win all the time. They may have taken Ben Johnson`s gold medal away, but he still ran the fastest.

4. Don`t let America know the world hates them

Prepare for a beating, yanks. This one`s going to get ugly. Expect the bronx chorus every time the US anthem is played, desparaging remarks at your hallowed athletes, and celebrations when you fail at something (like, when the basketball team doesn`t show up in its game against Angola). People say politics should not be apart of the Olympics. Well, there`s never been a time when the Olympics were not political, and in this polarized, partisan age these games are going to be no different. Just bite the bullet and take the heat. It`ll all be over soon....like.....on November 2, hopefully.

Not that Americans are going to be consciously aware of any of this. Yet again, NBC in their infinite wisdom has decided that live coverage of the games is not what people want. No, what they want instead are pre-packaged tape delays, and 20 seconds of action surrounded by 40 minutes of athlete biographies where they overcame adversity after their mother lost her legs in a tragic cheese-grading incident, and they vow to win a medal for all the starving children in their hometown of Hollywood, California. God forbid you actually see any other countries competing, let alone any athletes, unless they`re losing to Americans. Every Olympics is just one total jingoistic, flag waving, apple pie-eating orgy of Americanism. Man, I can just hear Bob Costas`, smarmy, insipid little comments and whimsical diatribes from here.

Even better idea: rather than showcase events that you don`t get to see every day, like volleyball or (real) wrestling, of which the Olympics is the premier vehicle for, NBC is going to show events that you already watch all the time, like basketball, tennis and baseball. Isn`t that nice of them? I mean....why ask for variety? That`s not what the Olympics are for.

Of course, that doesn`t compare to the four words that end this article, and will haunt you for the rest of your life: John Tesh, Gymnastics Commentator.