While watching two ten-win teams duke it out for the Eastern Conference’s 6th playoff seed may have seemed crappy, it is not crapsketball. This term transcends mediocrity to expose a more infamous and humorous side of sucking. Borrowing heavily from the work of RD Reynolds, the genius behind www.wrestlecrap.com and author of Wrestlecrap, The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling, may be the best way to define it.
Just as wrestlecrap is more than Saturday morning jobbers, crapsketball is more than the 13th man on the bench. They are both gimpy gimmickry and the tragically comic. Bastion Booger and The Red Rooster are wrestlecrap…Converse React Juice and the mascot slamdunk contest are crapsketball. Breaking crapsketball down to the player level, one needs to ascertain that intangible quality, physical malformation, or that certain je ne sais crap.
It is easy to begin on the vanillas side with the slow white guys. Burly Jazz center Mark Eaton (The Crappalachian Mountain Man) is crapsketball. While only averaging a whopping 6 ppg, Mark was concentrating on his other pursuits, inbreeding and playing in a jug band. No doubt Mark was joined by the love child of Hillbilly Jim and Joe Kleine, Eric Montross (Three Point Non-Threat Crap). Impressively slothful at UNC, Big Cracker Flattop managed to exceed crapspectations by going an astounding career 0 for 3 behind the three-point line. The 7’ 5” Chuck Nevitt (World’s Tallest Crap) joins the crew with his crapcellence. Chucky obviously liked working overtime as he played an exhaustive 19 minutes during the final three years of his career. The ultimate breadstick has to be Kurt Rambis (Professor Mullet von Crappleton). With his ridiculously thick-rimmed glasses and pasty whiteness, he was probably the only player to bag less chicks than AC Green.
Drug use and the NBA go together like a hit and run. Here we find many suitable crapplicants. King of cartel crapsketball is Len Bias (Coke-a-Crappa Classic). As the joke goes, Lenny was like a flower…he died 3 days after you picked him. The honor of being The Harvard Independent‘s number one sports stoner of all time makes Sam Perkins (Big Smooth Crap) an obvious choice. “Sleepy” Sam may have been no stranger to playing stoned, and he had good company in Robert Parish (Chief Crapiujana). “Inhale to the Chief” they would say, celebrating the man who was once arrested for having pounds of the good herb Fed-Exed to his house.
One could go on and on. We have Baby Jordan Crap, a space reserved for all those that have drawn comparisons to his Airness because they either played at UNC or could dunk well. Harold Minor, Antoine Jamison, Ed Cota (DOCrap# 24198), and Vince Carter all share that crapolade. Also, let us not forget the crowded Bastard Children Crap wing of the Crapsketball Hall of Shame. Inductees include Larry Johnson (Crapmama), Darryl Dawkins, Shawn Kemp, Juwan Howard, and Calvin Murphy (Show Me Where He Touched You Crap). This list is expected to grow.
Patrick Ewing is crapsketball because he looks like a large mouth bass. The WNBA is crapsketball because it is like watching the men play underwater. AI’s views on practice, “we’re talking about crapsektball. Not
a game, crapsketball.”
Crapsketballers are the Doink the Clowns and Gobbeldy Gookers of the NBA. Ricky Davis, Vin Baker, Jason Williams (KKKrap), Derrick Coleman, Shawn Bradley (Skeletor Crap), Isaiah Rider, Vernon Maxwell, etc. etc. Oh boy, Oh boy, Dr. Naismith is spinning in his grave!
White-boys, bad-boys, cry babies, baby-daddies, cancers, and failures. I love this game.
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