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This is a story that I failed to publish right after the NCAA tournament final this April. Hopefully you guys will find it as amusing as I did.
As I counted down the minutes at work yesterday, I had only one thing one thing on my mind. Where the heck am I going to watch the NCAA Tournament Final? I call up my buddies Nic and Jeremy, and Nic decides that we should all go to a sports bar called Yankee Doodle. That jives with me, and I rush home and gather all of my Carolina gear.
I arrive at the bar about 10 minutes before the game and notice a lot of orange around. I soon begin to realize that there are at least 150 Illini fans in attendance. Where am I? Downtown Champaign? Nope, Santa Monica, California. I’m a Carolina fan right in the middle of an U of I alumni association gathering to watch the tournament final. Nic, my “buddy” just happens to be an Illini fan. He’s actually from Illinois, and went to UIC, so I’m thinking set-up at this point.
I had never been around so many Illini fans before. The first thing that I noticed is that they are a very odd bunch. They had Illini football helmets at every table they were at. This was REALLY confusing. I had to reassure myself that the National Championship game was coming on and not the Rose Bowl. I look for some Illini fans and ask them to name 5 members of their football team. None of them could do it, and considering how bad they are on the field, I couldn’t blame them.
After that, I began to look at the helmet itself and noticed the design. It has the word “ILLINOIS” on it, and it is underlined. I’m thinking, where the hell did they get this design from, Microsoft Word? They obviously need to bold and italicize now, because nobody in the Big Ten is currently taking them seriously on the gridiron. I then encouraged all of the Illini fans to take a lot of pictures, as this was the closest they would get to Pasadena in a very long time.
The second thing that was truly strange was how many of them brought their children. I’m all for the bond between parent and child, but this is going overboard. Why would you bring your child to a bar? It did assure me that the wifey( she’s a therapist) would have plenty of clients if we ever decided to move to the Midwest. As I recover from these strange observations, I notice that the game is about to start.
The starting lineups are introduced and I’m yelling and egging on all of the Illini fans around. The first half goes exactly as I would have planned it. Carolina is dominating and Illinois can’t make a shot, thanks to their coach Bruce Weber. It’s not his coaching that’s causing them to miss, but that hideous orange blazer he’s wearing. The Illini can’t get anything going and our Tar Heels are up by 13 at the half.
I’m just about hoarse by now, and I’m actually doing an excellent Phil Jackson impersonation. My combination of yelling “Scottie!!!”, and whistling loudly, even has the Illini fans giving me some props. Halftime allows me the opportunity to smash Nic and Jeremy at air hockey and bash some more Illini fans. The combination of drinking and losing allows the look of fear to register on their face for the first time.
The few Carolina fans, on the other hand, are having a ball. We are already taking bets as to how soon Roy is going to cry after the game is over and if Jawad Williams is coming out or not. I decide to get a Tar Heel Blue Kamakazi, and I pressure Nic into getting a piss orange Illini drink. As the second half starts, I knew the Illini was primed for a run; Bruce Weber finally took off his blazer. The lead started to dwindle as Luther Head and Deron Williams begin to drain threes left and right. I then begin to yell at the big screen as if Rashad McCants could hear me. I implored “Give it to May!!!”…ok maybe not like that, more like “Pass the damn ball to May, he’s wide f*in open!!!”. Whenever they would heed my alcohol-induced tirade, Sean May would do damage. As I became delusional, and thought that I could actually coach the Tar Heels, I noticed that the lead is nowhere near as large as I thought. Uh Oh, its down to 3.
Deron Williams, the star for the Illini, then nails a trey and it’s tied up. Carolina calls time and I knew I was gonna get it. The Illini fans all look at me in unison and give me a tirade, that only people from the Midwest could. One fan comes up to me, and starts talking like Dr. King; “I’ve been to the mountaintop, and I’ve seeeeeeeen the promised land!!” After that the ubiquitous chant of I-L-L…I-N-I starts, and I begin to panic.
Fortunately, for Carolina fans, Ray Felton didn’t. He drained a three to give the Tar Heels a lead that they would not relinquish. We win by 5 and I’m ecstatic. The game was excellent, and I had a great time. Ok, off to bed, and the countdown starts to another fantastic NCAA final!
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