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Welcome to the new America, where we currently enjoy an economic slump, a gruesome war with no end in sight, record oil prices, and have to live with the constant threat of terrorism. Even our sports are in trouble as our national pastime faces its biggest crisis of all time. This all crossed my mind when an ESPN announcer mentioned that “America needed a hero.” He’s right, we do.
“And America has that hero in Joey Chestnut,” the anchor added. It’s official, we are completely screwed.
For those of who you don’t know, Joey Chestnut is a 230-pound competitive eater famous for narrowly losing to Takeru Kobayashi in the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest. Fear not America, because it’s the dawn of a new era of falling short, and Joey Chestnut will be ushering in this glorious age.
Anyone over 50 likes to reminisce about the great sports heroes of their days just as they would their stories of arduous walks to school or of how much penny-candy sold for. Keep this in mind as they will invariably try to tear the great Joey Chestnut down, saying things like “Eating isn’t a sport” and “He isn’t good enough to hold Joe Dimaggio’s jockstrap” (although he could probably eat that jockstrap in under a minute if it was covered in maple syrup). Take their comments with a grain of salt and remember, they are old, their opinions don’t matter.
Let’s face it, what type of hero was Jackie Robinson? So he faced a little heckling, don’t all athletes deal with that? So he faced a little razzing from hotel owners and restaurateurs, who were obviously playing “welcome to the big leagues” pranks on him when they refused to serve him, what’s the harm in that? Is he a hero simply because of his inability to take a good natured joke in stride? Whatever, I bet he couldn’t eat 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes.
Babe Ruth was big on consumption and possibly could’ve made a run at that, but even he couldn’t down 5.5 pounds of pork ribs in less than 12 minutes. Billie Jean King supposedly did a lot for women’s rights in athletics or something, and she did a fine job at that. Now, women can be honored for their exceptional athletic ability…as long as they are undeniably gorgeous, of course. Well done, Billie Jean. You would’ve been better off attempting to eat 6 pounds of asparagus in under 10 minutes.
Some want to argue that Lance Armstrong is the sports hero of our times, but what’s so remarkable about what he’s done? Millions of people can ride a bike; some can even ride really fast. So what makes him different, his fight against cancer? The same fight that millions of new cancer patients tackle every year? Very unique. Talk to me when he can eat 52 hot dogs in 12 minutes.
While it’s fairly clear that Joey Chestnut is America’s next great sports hero, I’m still trying to find the inspirational part of his story. He’s certainly no Rudy, whose claim to fame was his unwavering will to succeed and his unmatched heart. Chestnut is no Cinderella Man or Seabiscuit, as he didn’t rise out of a depression to earn the glory that comes with winning both championships and the hearts of the people.
I think the closest parallel would be the Miracle on Ice. Actually; his story is almost identical to the 1980 US Men’s Hockey team upset of Russia. It’s like the Miracle on Ice if you took away all the political meaning to the game, removed any shred of teamwork, and then had the Americans lose 4-3. Chestnut’s run will forever live in sports lore.
Maybe Joey Chestnut is a fitting hero for America today. What could represent a society of conspicuous consumption better than an “athlete” who can consume foods at an unbelievable and record-setting pace? What a great message to send to the youths of America- no matter how much you consume, whether it’s oil, food, video games, whatever- you can always consume more.
Face it; people are already buying what Chestnut is selling. Our nation is fatter than ever, clearly a result of the days old competitive eating mania inspired by Chestnut. And Lance Armstrong can have his yellow LiveStrong wristbands, as people everywhere are wearing the WWJD letters (which I assume stand for “What would Joey Do?”).
Welcome to the delicious new America, where our sports heroes aren’t making monumental changes in society or inspiring a nation of people. They aren’t fighting for what’s right or working towards a better tomorrow. But they can eat 62 Krystal Hamburgers in 10 minutes. That’s got to be worth something, right?
Yep, we are screwed.
The Sports Gospel is sponsored by www.betonsports.com. All Sports Gospel readers get a10% sign up bonus up when you mention Sports Gospel as the promo code. Mark Chalifoux is a columnist with SportsFan Magazine. You can reach him at Rockne48@und.com.
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