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 If You Got Served and the life of Mahatma Gandhi have taught us anything, it is that violence is no way to resolve a conflict. But since that movie sucked and Gandhi is dead, the gospel according to Mortal Kombat is the way of the land.
While sports are filled with great rivalries on the franchise level, it is the individual conflicts that fuel them. So, in the great spirit of fracas and bloodshed, I present to you some potentially great sports match-ups.
Pedro Martinez vs. Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty stepped up to the plate,
to face the pitcher he truly did hate.
Revenge Humpty sought, for his brother Don Zim,
who got tossed by Martinez, the Dominican Slim.
Humpty chocked up his bat and crowded the base,
Slim threw high and inside, just missing his face.
Slim was looking to scare and to brush Humpty back,
Humpty was now mad as hell and on the attack.
He clenched his fists hard, charged, pumped his legs,
Slim stepped to the side and scrambled the egg.
With King George’s money, with King George’s reason,
Waived Humpty to sign Slim as a free agent next season.
Edge: Martinez
Warren Sapp vs. Anthony Anderson
This just might go under the heading “Let’s Just Hope They Kill Each Other.” Is there any more worthless human being than Anthony Anderson? The man is an unfunny comedian turned actor who can’t act (which is sort of like Helen Keller ditching her career as a broadcaster to become an art critic). Just glancing at a partial list of his movies, Big Momma’s House, Kangaroo Jack, Cody Banks 2, assures one that there is special spot in hell for this extra large loudmouth.
Warren Sapp is not much better. He starts fights with Mike Sherman, skips through opposing team’s warm-ups, and compares the NFL brass to slave masters. All this before he cock-teased the good fans of Cincinnati only to run off and shack up with Al Davis.
I can’t pick a favorite in this one. They are both despicable
Edge: Even
The Gramatica Brothers vs. the Super Mario Brothers
From their gi-normus schnozes to their silly accents, It is easy to hate the Gramatica brothers. They remind some of that lackey with green teeth from A Christmas Story. Like these South American sissies, he could be cocky and brazen so long as he had Scott Fargus protecting him. Every time Martin Gramaticrap jumps around and celebrates like a princess ballerina after waxing an extra point, some defensive lineman is suppressing an ulcer inducing amount of rage for fear of being eaten by Warren Sapp.
Who better to stop these Argentine asses than everyone’s favorite and slightly offensive Italian stereotypes, the Mario Brothers? They don’t call them super for nothing. They could easily surpass the linemen protection with the use of their leaping ability and a few fire flowers.
Edge: Mario Brothers
AC Green vs. Daryl “Soul Glo” Jenks (from Coming to America)
I can only imagine this one coming about if there ever was a shortage of jerry curl. But, their contrary lifestyles may lead to one intense battle. Daryl is an obnoxious, womanizing liar. He demeans Prince Akeem, manipulates Cleo Mcdowell, and probably cheats on his girlfriend Lisa. AC, on the other hand, is one holy rollin’ rock and roller. He kept his virginity and stayed sober in an age when basketball players were practically paid in white powder and white women.
This one is good versus evil. Mel Gibson taught me that Jesus always covers the spread .
Edge: AC
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