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Alternalliterative title, for you euros:
Phonies Fabricate Foolish Info for Football’s Frothy Friendliness
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4581374.stm
Just in time for the brew-ha-ha of World Cup fever, a new report just released has scientifically proven, without a doubt, that soccer is in fact the most exciting and action-pact sport in the world.
Well that just settles it, doesn't it. If science says it's true, who are we to go against the laws of science? Time for us to face reality and come to grips with the facts, guys. All this time, our favourite pastimes were boring, dull, and empty because they were full to the brim with mind-numbingly passive things like scoring and tackling. If only we'd known sooner. So throw away your bats, gentlemen. Hang up your skates and put your helmets in the dumpster. You won't need them anymore. For now on we wear silk shorts and prance around a field like ninnies.
How did a scientific report so scientifically come to a scientific conclusion through science, you may ask? Well, according to the article:
Quote:
"Scientists analysed results from more than 300,000 games played over the past century.
They reviewed five sports: ice hockey, football, baseball and basketball in the US, and English football.
The team decided to make unpredictability - how often a leading team is overcome by an opponent with a worse record - the best measure of how exciting a league is.
"If there are no upsets, then every game is predictable and hence boring," co-author Eli Ben-Naim told New Scientist magazine."
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Wait a second: They DECIDED to make unpredictability the winning factor? Just like that? Logic 101 students, I can hear your chins hitting the floor. First of all, how does unpredictability make a sport more exciting? If that's the case, then the greatest sport in the world is flipping a coin, not soccer, since you have half a chance of winning every time. How invigorating!
What kind of science just arbitrarily makes broad, subjective conclusions like that anyway? I'm sure the data gathering was sound, but the results extrapolated would get laughed out of any highschool chemistry lab. This is the kind of crap science that leads to phrenology and phlogistan, for god's sake. It reminds me of the old joke about the scientist who taught his pet flea to jump on command, and then when he cut off all its legs and told it to jump and it didn't, concluded that it was because cutting off a flea's legs makes it go deaf. What's even more flabbergasting is that this euro cheering report was released by an American research institute. Well, that explains the bad science. But why the sudden hard-on for soccer?
Occam's Razor is a punintentionally simple principle. Since science is so hardpressed to find some deep-rooted explanation for soccer's popularity, let me add my own:
*ahem*
Soccer is the most popular sport in the world for three very important and very social reasons:
1) The vast majority of the planet is (comparatively) poor. Not just poor, but dirt poor. So poor that clothes are considered a luxury. About half the planet lives this way, so it comes to pass that the most cherished form of social recreation is the one needing the least amount of upkeep, maintenance and investment. Soccer is the only sport in the world that needs next to nothing to play. All you need is a ball and, in some cases, not even that. Where a ball isn't available, use what's handy, like a sheep bladder, or a dog skull, or some rags wrapped together, so long as it can roll. And you can play it anywhere. In dirt, grass, gravel, any place where there is a flat surface, and hell, it's not really mandatory that the surface be completely flat. People will make-do with just about any locale. That makes it the most universal sport, accessible to every class, caste, and social status on the planet.
2) The vast majority of the planet is (comparatively) stupid. As a result, the form of recreation most appreciated is the one that's easily understood by everybody; a game so simple that you can explain it to a retard while standing on one foot. There is really only one rule: don't use your hands. Everyone can learn that. Everyone can understand that. This makes it the one sport that easily crosses language and cultural boundaries due to its simplicity. If you were sent to a foreign planet with instructions to teach the aliens one earth game, without knowing anything about their language, customs or culture, the one game you could teach them is soccer. Just think how far you'd get trying to explain the rules of football or hockey to foreigners who don't understand your language. Soccer doesn't have this problem. It is the one sport that transcends language, culture, race, and intelligence.
3) The vast majority of the planet is (comparatively) untalented. Many sports require a certain level of coordination and an innate set of complex skills that need to be applied to enjoy them at an optimum level. Hitting a small flying ball, skating, throwing, tackling, catching. But anyone can kick a ball. Soccer is the one sport in the world that requires the lowest level of physical commitment to enjoy it on a personal level. It takes practically no time to learn how to play, and even less time to enjoy playing it. That makes it perfect for the most uncoordinated and unathletic people on the planet. It is perfect for the athletically optimal and sloven alike.
Now, I'm no scientist, so I don't have any statistics to back me up, but it seems to me that the proliferation of soccer around the world has much to do with the fact that it it costs nothing, everyone knows the rules or can learn them in under 5 seconds, and everyone (except for cripples) can play it. If it were a musical instrument, it would be the kazoo. If it were food, it would be rice.
But then again, maybe I'm wrong. After all, if there's one other thing soccer has over all the other sports, it's the x-factor. The unpredictability. The scientists have verified it through a century of analysis that soccer has the most unpredictable outcomes, where the underdog has the greatest chance of success. And maybe that's the appealing factor of soccer after all, it's attractivity to all the losers of the world. The fact that, if the conditions are right, to hell with preparation and hard work and diligence, they actually have a chance of winning! Because when you're poor, the only real thing you have to look forward to--in sports or in life--is luck. And hope. Because it's not like you're going to win through sheer wealth, intelligence or talent.
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