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Michael Jackson can put on a Spiderman mask and talk to a government official, but that doesn’t make him the infamous web-slinging superhero, it just means he is a child abusing sicko with a mask on. Shaq can put a microphone in front of his mouth and speak in tongues, but that doesn’t make him a rapper. Cincinnati Coach Bob Huggins can dress up like cross-town rival Thad Matta, but it doesn’t mean Chuggins has integrity. And while Tonya Harding can throw on a pair of boxing gloves, it most definitely doesn’t make her a boxer; in fact, she has the swollen nose and black eye to prove it.
She found that out last Friday, as the infamous Ice Queen was beaten like a drum by Canadian boxer Amy Johnson. Tonya was trying to profit off of her bad girl image in the ring but projected simply a bad image as she was knocked out at 1:04 in the third round.
“I went out and I’ve shown that I do have some skills,” Harding said after the beating. I don’t know what skills she showed during the fight, but I am certain they have nothing to do with boxing.
Harding’s fighting style doesn’t suit boxing; it has more of a WWF theme to it. Instead of boxing, she should’ve had one of her loser boyfriends or ex-husbands come down to the ring and distract the ref while Harding dropped Johnson with a hubcap or whatever the weapon of choice is these days. Vince McMahon himself couldn’t draw up a better match.
At least Tonya was gracious in defeat.
“She got the one opportunity to fight Tonya Harding and, of course, that gives you that extra energy and everything else,” Harding said. “Let her have that 15 minutes of fame.”
Amy Johnson should feel so lucky that Tonya is allowing her to have 15 minutes of fame, as she rarely gives up any time that comes her way. I have always wondered who authorizes 15 minute segments of fame, but whoever it is ( I maintain that it is either The Wizard of Oz, Tony Danza, or Shrek,) needs to pull the plug on Tonya Harding’s 15 minutes-turned-10 years of fame. In the racing world this dying horse would have been in glue stick form about nine years and 11 months ago.
Harding fell under the illusion that she could box on Fox’s Celebrity Boxing when she handily beat up one of the many women who have had affairs with President Clinton. She now is nothing more than a sideshow, although I don’t know if she was ever anything more than that. Her boxing stint is just her latest attempt to hold on to her precious time in the spotlight.
She has pulled many a ridiculous stunt in her day, including signing a one game deal with the Indianapolis Ice of the CHL and singing the song “Amazing Grace” on CD (a duet with William Hung can’t be far off). She has always said no to anything that involved taking off her clothes though.
“I didn’t want to do anything that my kids couldn’t watch,” Harding said in May.
Of course, that was before she produced and starred in her own movie. Unfortunately, that movie was entitled “Jeff and Tonya’s Wedding Night” and was mainly comprised of things that not only kids shouldn’t watch, but things people in general shouldn’t be exposed to.
It “accidentally” got out, allegedly because of Tonya’s ex-husband, who is the other star of the movie. Just like Paris Hilton “accidentally” let her video get out in the public, only to have it increase her popularity. Right.
Despite all of her stunts, at least she didn’t set her sights too high for this whole boxing episode.
“I’m hoping that eventually I’ll be able to pay my bills and that’ll last for a couple months at a time and things like that,” Harding said.
Although she says she doesn’t like the media frenzy surrounding her, it’s the only thing that keeps her afloat these days, whether she wants to admit it or not. She’s not a boxer, she’s a sideshow.
“Everybody jumps to conclusions and thinks that I’m the bad person,” Harding said in an interview with ESPN in May. Usually I don’t condone snap judgments, but it seems like the general public was right on the money with this one.
“I want to be remembered as someone who whatever life did to me,” Harding said, “I always came back on top,” (this must be another reference to her “movie”).
She also said that she wanted to be remembered as someone who was great once, hit rock bottom, and kept on going. That is definitely how most will remember her. When most people get a bad shake in life, rock bottom is the lowest point for them. Harding, though, wants to leave her legacy, and she continues to “keep on going” past rock bottom every day.
It’s hard to tell what her rock bottom was. Many thought it was the clubbing of Nancy Kerrigan. Then they thought it was being banished for life by US Figure Skating. Or maybe when she attacked a boyfriend with a hubcap, or her one game contract with a minor league hockey team. It could also be the celebrity boxing, a drinking and driving incident, or even her homemade Oscar Winner (if Michael Moore can win an Oscar with his films, anyone can).
“I wanted to make something of my life that would benefit anyone,” she said. But, like the Rolling Stones once sang, you can’t always get what you want.
I think that it was only fitting that one of the biggest “matches” of her boxing career was televised on Comedy Central. Her “career” is just that, a joke. Unfortunately for America, she thinks that just because she wears the gloves that she can play the part. I guess that means I’ll be going to see Michael Jackson’s new movie this weekend.
You can email Mark with all comments, questions, criticisms, and praise at Rockne48@und.com and he will hit you back if he`s not watching Spiderman 2.
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