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Sports Gospel
Mark Chalifoux
Creating a star
In college basketball, stars are born in March. A role player can transform into a first-round draft pick, a bench-warmer can turn into the big man on campus, and a season of turmoil can be forgotten after a few sound games. One such player is Bradley center Patrick O’Bryant, a 7-foot sophomore who has stepped up from relative obscurity to become the top center prospect in the entire nation, according to several NBA scouts. While he will get his fair share of fluff pieces and media coverage this week and however long Bradley stays alive, he’d be far better off staying in school another year.
In fact, it would only take a few small acts on his part to truly achieve stardom. He’s got game, but plenty of college kids. To really be a star, you have to go the extra mile. If he follows my plan, he’ll be bigger than any mustachioed trash talker or poetry-reading 3pt shooter ever could have dreamed of.
1. Get involved in a Feud- This is important for him, because a feud, if played correctly, could benefit all parties involved. This would be a great way for people to start to take notice of him for something other than a copious amount of double-doubles or for blocking shots. Once he gets his turning the spotlight is when the rest of this list becomes important, but first, he has to make himself a bigger story than just a good basketball player.
Of course, this would be much better for him if it was something completely fabricated, unlike a “the opposing fans v JJ Redick” feud, which turned Redick into a victim, but also got everyone to really hate him. Now, I don’t think a feud with any player or coach in the MVC would be enough to garner headlines, and he won’t have enough chances to meet up with big teams in non-conference play to really hold people long enough. To me, there’s one logical choice here- Billy Packer.
Packer already has the whole anti-small school stance, so it wouldn’t be such a stretch for him to disrespect O’Bryant. A few especially harsh comments from Packer would send hordes of reporters to O’Bryant seeking comment, which he would refuse to talk about for the first week or so. Of course, after Packer’s over-the-top whining and baseless claims, O’Bryant would be forced to respond.
This could easily escalate into an ongoing feud during next season, with things going up a notch if it could be arranged for Packer to do analysis for a few of the bigger Bradley games next year. After a huge block, instead of glaring at the player he just rejected, he could snap his gaze over to the press row and stare-down the player-hating Packer.
It’s a safe play for O’Bryant, because Packer can’t win. The best he could do is run out a bunch of “I-told-you-so”s if O’Bryant falls a little short of his goals. Everyone would still hate Packer, and that would still make him look like the bad guy. Even Packer wins in this, because he seems to love being the story instead of telling the story.
Meanwhile, everyone will rally to the side of the little guy who never can get the respect he deserves. O’Bryant makes a great victim, but also gets in a few shots at a guy everyone loves to hate. It’s not like he’s picking a fight with Ghandi, it’s an old, cranky analyst that whines about anything that doesn’t have to do with the ACC. And people always relate to those who don’t get the respect they deserve…
2. Start talking about how everyone disrespects you- it’s important not to go overboard with this, like Bruce Pearl claiming everyone doubted his Vols, only to be utterly shocked when they were given a 2-seed. And then there’s Adam Morrison, who said everyone was picking Xavier to upset Gonzaga, only no one outside of Cincinnati even thought it was possible. Still, most people think they don’t get the respect they should, and they could relate to the stud player at the mid-major who is constantly trashed by an annoying analyst. It seems like people have doubted every superstar in sports, so it just seems like this will be something that has to get addressed sooner or later.
3. Feeding the hungry, teaching kids to read- Does anyone know what Big Pat’s (his current nickname will work, although it’s important that he at least has a passable nickname) best non-athletic talent? Well, they would after he started using it to help those who are less fortunate than himself. It’s cooking, and he even plans to be a chef after his basketball career is over. If he played this right, more people would know this than whose sister Ohio State Linebacker AJ Hawk dated (someone from Notre Dame?). He just needs to constantly work in soup kitchens, organize special team community service projects, and then just cook the occasional meal for the homeless or down-trodden. And then, of course, he needs to make sure people are watching when he does it. No sense in wasting good PR.
Also, his advice to youngsters, according to the Bradley media guide? Stay in school. He needs to harp on this message continuously, and it would help if he held a few “read-to-young-kids” days at the library. Everyone loves the gentle giant, who does his best to make his community better and fights his hardest to represent them on the basketball court.
And it might not hurt to strike up a pen-pal relationship with a soldier in Iraq, because anytime he didn’t want to talk to reporters, he could just talk about how he gets discouraged sometimes because what he does is just a game. Meanwhile, the real heroes, like his friend (INSERT PENPAL NAME), are off bravely defending our country overseas.
4. Hook-up with attention whore Hollywood Starlet- just a brief off-season fling is all that’s really necessary. This worked wonders for Matt Leinart, of course it’s easier to mix in with that crowd when you are in LA as opposed to Peoria, Illinois, but Big Pat could make it happen. Someone like a Lindsay Lohan would be a great fit. He could meet her at some charity function (obviously Lohan was tricked into going) and then they start hanging out, she helps him feed the hungry, they go to some function together, and then end up on a few tabloid covers. Naturally, Lohan would cheat on him after a week or two, but that will just again help put him over in the eyes of America. Everyone can sympathize with the caring, kindhearted athlete who was stabbed in the back by one of America’s biggest bimbos, a person who most Americans love to hate already.
5- Save a kid from impending doom- I don’t care whether some gang members (they have gangs in Peoria, right?) try to jump some handicapped youngster and O’Bryant saves the day, or whether the youngster fell into an 18th century well and Big Pat has to use his shot-blocking arms to pull the kid to safety, but he has to do something. Tall people can be intimidating, but who will be intimidated of a guy who fought off some bullies to save a kid or helped someone get a second chance that life just didn’t plan for them? There are a lot of people in this world who could use a 7’0” giant watching their backs, and if he does it for just one of them, then he’s doing it for all of them.
Sure, O’Bryant will have a solid career either way, but stardom is within his reach. It’s not a complicated process, and if Big Pat follows this simple plan, it could be the difference between a few local commercials as a quiet NBA big-man, or millions of dollars in endorsements for the man that simply loves America too much.
The Sports Gospel is sponsored by www.betonsports.com. www.betonsports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on-Wager on football, cricket, Boxing, Rugby, Horse Racing and more. Mark Chalifoux is a columnist for SportsFan Magazine. You can reach him at Rockne48@und.com.
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