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Mark Chalifoux
Sports Gospel- Dancing with the Stars
Feb 24
I had planned to introduce this week’s college basketball picks with an explanation on why Stuart Scott is the worst anchor on SportsCenter, but that will have to wait for two reasons. First, the college basketball analyst du jour was out of town and I didn’t have picks, meaning I had room for- Second- years ago, I promised myself if one of football’s greatest players of all time was in the finals of a ballroom dancing competition, I would do a running diary of it.
I’ve never watched ABC’s Dancing with the Stars before, and when I told a colleague of my plan he suggested I end my life instead (I took it he wasn’t a big dancing fan). Still, I always love a fixed competition, so I was psyched. The big drama with the show, as far as the fans are concerned, is that Jerry Rice is still in the competition, despite being a clearly inferior dancer. Basically, judges score each dance, but their vote only counts for half of the total. The other half comes strictly from viewer voting. Needless to say, that has more than a few people upset.
This is from a judge’s blog on the show’s website
Now Jerry, while he’s quite admirable and must be parised for his attitude and sportsmanship, is the weakest danacer. Yet he’s the most popular we’ve ever had…from a technical point, Lissa (who was eliminated) is a more talented dancer, but we must respect the viewers’ votes.
From the show’s message board
When the judge told Jerry he wasn’t as good as the other three the whole NFL voted for him. I’m pissed that this is turning into a popularity contest.
And another
I have been watching the contest since day one, but I nor any of my family members wil ever watch it again. I thought it was a dance contest and not a popularity contest. This is complete garbage.
I love that Rice gets away with owning this competition despite being an inferior dancer. That is simply great. The one thing that would make this better is if he was blatantly terrible, just to shove it in everyone’s face that he was going to go as far he could just because he had the audience in his back pocket. He should’ve just done dances like the YMCA and the Macarena, rather than what he was supposed to be doing, and still cruise through the entire show. While the entertaining thing here is how he is stealing this contest and that no one can stop him, I was still interested to see just how bad he was.
8:02- Well, this started poorly from the start. The first hour is a video montage of how they got to this point and stupid features by the hosts. Jerry’s other two competitors are WWE Diva Stacy Keibler and that Lachey guy (I don’t specify between the Jessica Simpson one and the other one anymore). So basically it’s a two horse race between football fans and wrestling fans. People on both sides of the fence spend their five votes split right down the middle, possibly throwing one to the Lachey guy simply out of pity.
809- During Lachey’s highlights, he had the brilliant quote “Whether we win or lose, you’re going to be heartbroken that it’s over.”
See, this is the problem with reality TV. It’s 15 minutes and done, there’s no afterlife for them. I know they have those real world/road rules specials, but I think they need some sort of professional reality TV circuit. The top person on each of maybe a dozen shows all get an automatic berth, and then each week they have some sort of contest from that person’s show. So you could have Lachey getting his butt kicked in a boxing match against someone from The Contender, but then Drew gets the final laugh as the boxer is unable to perfect the fox trot on the next show.
828-Time for Jerry’s highlights and it’s everything I could’ve hoped for. He looks like the Tin Man trying to dance, it is simply hilarious. During one recap of scathing comments from judges, an apologetic Rice explains that he feels “like I let myself down and my partner down, I had to rededicate myself.”
Not really, but it’s nice that he at least pretends to care. Thank God, he bounced back with the Samba. Simply owned. In his words, “I don’t think I get a chance to show the aggression, that’s why that one was an excellent performance. “
831- Rice is a giant stiff. This reminds me of the last running diary I did, of the Hulk Hogan- Shawn Michaels SummerSlam match, where an elderly Hogan could barely walk and it forced Michaels to completely oversell every move. Because Jerry moves with the smoothness of sandpaper, his partner is forced to act like she’s having a seizure to try and balance him out.
834- They finally show the interchange between the Simon Cowell-esque judge (referred to from here on out as “Angry Judge”).
AJ- Against the others, you are the worst dancer out there. It’s like--
Jerry Rice (interrupting AJ)- You know what, you know what man- I disagree with you
Advantage- Rice.
837- They wrapped up his video montage by pretty much saying, Jerry wasn’t nearly agood enough a dancer, but YOUR votes have brought him here.
Everyone knows that this is completely fixed, but they can’t come out and say he’s winning just because people like him, even though that’s exactly how it is. Jerry keeps rolling out average performances, and the fans just eat it up. I wish I had watched this show the whole time. In fact, I’m turning this into an impromptu drinking game. Every time they reference audience vote being the reason Jerry is still around, I’m taking a drink.
847- Two commercial highlights.
First- Tonya Harding is making her return to the ice on ET. Except that “Tonya Harding” doesn’t even remotely look like the Harding that had a hit man mess up Nancy Kerrigan. In fact, it looks like some sort of cross between Tonya Harding and a hot air balloon. To make this truly great TV, they should have taken Tonya for her return to the ice to a frozen pond somewhere, just to see if it would give out when that first skate hit the surface.
Second- one of those second hand smoke commercials where a regular person talks about how much they hate it when people smoke. Although this one was different, because the girl kept butchering her script, smiling through her lines, and kept looking off to the side of the camera. It was like they wanted to do it in one take, regardless of how terrible it was. My first thought was that it was a parody, but I suppose it doesn’t make any sense to mock second hand smoke.
852- They are now doing Stacy Keibler’s highlight reel. She is hot. One judge summed it up by calling Stacy A weapon of Mass Seduction.
855- They just summed up the entire contest by giving the couples average scores throughout the competition.
Stacy- 27 3/8
Lachey- 27 ¼
Jerry Rice- 21
First drink- done.
901- Time for Jerry’s first dance. But not before showing his reaction when he heard he was going to the finals. As soon as he heard it, he doubled over in laughter. Even he knows he’s stealing it. That is just excellent. I have already spent all five of my votes on Jerry, even before the first dance of the night.
903-Jerry and his partner are doing the foxtrot… and now it’s over?!
Well, in a true testament to how riveting this is, I just completely tuned out during the middle of it. I turned back to the TV after hearing the Springer-esque Jerry, Jerry, Jerry chants from the crowd. I had one goal, and couldn’t even pay attention long enough to fulfill it. Oh well. Apparently, the first judge liked it, because he called it Rice’s best dance of the contest.
See that Angry judge? Basically a giant “SUCK IT” from Jerry Rice. Angry judge responds by dissing Rice a little bit, which gets him booed mercilessly by the crowd.
912- Stacy Keibler came out dressed in a longer suit jacket, ripping it off about 10 seconds in. And there goes my email votes, both of them. I hate to say it, but she could be dancing with a pole instead of a partner and they would have about three times the audience and she’d win hands down. I hate saying it because I think it’s good for her to be appreciated for a talent rather than being the requisite eye candy she is in the WWE (I don’t really watch wrestling anymore, but people keep calling her a wrestler on the show, and let’s be honest, the only wrestling she’s done are those matches where girls rip each other’s clothes off or fight in lingerie- not that I’m complaining).
In USA Today she claimed it was “the first thing I’ve done in my life where I have fans who are children and women, instead of just men.” Basically, she just wants to be cheered for something other than bending over the ropes when she enters a wrestling ring. Hopefully she will be able to parlay this 15 minutes of fame into a new career (she said she’s been offered roles in movies and the like, and not the type of movies most WWE fans would hope for).
934- The host just introduced Jerry by calling him his brother from another mother, a classic Hogan line. I’m definitely classifying that as a thinly veiled shot at 43-year-old Rice’s immobility. I can’t believe how biased these people are. Well, actually that’s a fair shot.
935- Time for Jerry’s freestyle dance. He stiffs his way through some sort of routine where he pretty much picks his partner up and tosses her around for awhile while wearing wigs. I’m not very good at analyzing ball room dancing, but the judges seem to be praising him pretty furiously, so I’ll assume it’s good. Although…
I think it would’ve been better if Rice just walked out with his partner and had her toss footballs to him while he ran routes. Maybe he could throw in a few TD dances, but keep the extent of his movements to slants and running deep. At least that would make things interesting by throwing away most of the judges’ points.
939- They scored a 27/30, and then during the host concluded by dropping the phone number, with one last snippy “we’ve seen what the power of YOUR votes can do.” I’m now on my third drink and just found out they don’t reveal the winners until Sunday, so I officially declare Jerry Rice the winner, and hope that the legitimate fans of the show become outraged.
Another victory for sports fans everywhere, as we have clearly stolen this trophy for ball-room dancing and handed it to a middle-aged football great. There’s a lesson to be learned here- never underestimate sports fans.
The Sports Gospel is sponsored by www.betonsports.com. www.betonsports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on-Wager on football, cricket, Boxing, Rugby, Horse Racing and more. Mark Chalifoux is a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. You can reach him at Rockne48@und.com.
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