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Sports Gospel: The facts machine
Mark Chalifoux
This is the first of a new column I’m going to be writing every week. It’s going to be just random, quick thoughts on the sports world. It really doesn’t have a great deal to do with facts and the only reason the working title is “the facts machine” is because I’ve always wanted to see a column named that.
· I’ve gotten a lot of heat from my NASCAR column, so I wanted to clarify a few things. First, I definitely respect NASCAR and its fans, there’s a reason they have such a loyal following. I understand that it takes great endurance and skill to drive a racecar, my point is that it is just not a sport. It doesn’t require much athletic ability and it can’t be a sport just because of the risk element or because they drive in bad conditions for a few hours. I do plan on taking in a race at some point and I will more than likely visit La Crosse, Wisconsin for some local track flavor. I’ll give it a shot, but don’t hold any hopes that I will be converted like the millions of others.
· Last week’s column was pretty decent in my opinion. It was probably one of the better ones I’ve done lately. That being said, I was recently looking at my archive page and noticed something- I’ve written some terrible articles lately. The caddy one was decent, but much better in my head. Then we get to the one about the browns draft grade. That was just awful; I don’t know how I can explain it any other way. I sincerely apologize and promise to at least try to bring my A game every time out. That article was so bad, it made something written by Mike seem Pulitzer worthy.
I haven’t had a lot of articles on the Browns draft grade level, but just writing one made me reconsider what I’m doing. I guess I can relate to the superstar that goes 1-28 from the field with 10 points and seven turnovers in a 40-point loss.
· Speaking of recent column, the mailbag will be a more consistent feature in the future. If you want to get in on ANYTHING, drop me an email at Rockne48@und.com
· For the life of me, I just can’t understand why people don’t want Ricky Williams back in the NFL. I get the whole turning your back on your team thing and I understand he will be serving some sort of drug-related suspension. That being said, I firmly believe that Ricky Williams in the NFL is a good thing and I have proof.
There was a story about him on si.com this week and he responded to a question by giving the writer a cryptic animal story that may or may not have had any relevance to anything.
Williams responds by telling the story of a frustrated monkey he saw while traveling in India. "He wanted some cookies so bad, he put his hand in the jar, grabbed a big handful," Williams wrote to SI. "Then, when he couldn't get his hand out, he became very angry." How did Williams react? "I told him to just let the cookies go."-si.com
If this is what we are going to get from a consistent basis from Ricky Williams, then there is no doubt in my mind that the NFL needs him. Could you imagine cryptic animal analogies every week? Press conferences would become instant classics. Reporters would be left to debate if Ricky was just crazy, or if his stories had any meaning.
Reporter- Ricky, what was the key to the win today?
Williams- Let me tell you a story about a mild-mannered wildebeest I encountered in Africa. He was just grazing on some grass because that’s what he wanted to do and if a wildebeest wants some grass, ain’t no one gonna stop him. Now, he was just grazing on this grass, not hurting himself or anyone around him, and then out of nowhere he was attacked and eaten by a Lion. This lion had no witch or wardrobe, but apparently was judge, jury, and executioner.
Bottom line, I would gladly ignore whatever message would be sent by the Dolphins for welcoming him back if this is the result. As a matter of fact, I think every press conference should involve at least one animal story. This could simply be referred to as the “Ricky” rule. Since this is very unlikely to happen, I think every quick hits column will now include a Ricky Williams-esque animal analogy.
· Reggie Miller is good. That’s all I have on this one. Really. I told you they would be shorter.
· I will conclude this column with one of the weirdest experiences I’ve had at a baseball game. I attended the Cincinnati-Cleveland game last Friday and at the end of the sixth inning I saw something very disturbing. I was sitting in some comped tickets about 12 rows behind the first baseline. At the end of the inning, the guy in the first row stood up, with a hotdog vendor next to him, and paid for a hotdog. He then yelled for the ladies in his section to “shake it” and then threw the hotdog to some random girl. He handed the hotdog vendor another four bucks and repeated the whole process. He would do it for a third and fourth time.
I sat in stunned silence the entire time, wondering if what I had seen was real. For a moment, I thought it was some sort of meat version of Mardi Gras. I know some guys are desperate for any attention from females, but to go about it like this? Have some respect for yourself- you should never be throwing hot dogs into the crowd unless you are wearing a big blue suit and getting paid 5.65 an hour for it.
The guy plunked down a good 20 bucks just for some females to notice him. And what it made it even more pathetic was that the guy threw worse than the girls he was throwing to. Hotdogs would hit the ladies in the head, stomach, or the person next to them and come completely unwrapped and fall on the ground. So not only did the guy completely and utterly embarrass himself for trying to bribe women to notice him with food, but he then exhibited his utter lack of any skill as he proceeded to pelt women with hotdogs. And I used to wonder why Danny Graves flipped off Reds fans.
Mark Chalifoux is the author the Sports Gospel and is Mike Simonds favorite writer of all time. Mike has even been quoted as saying he learned to read only so he could read the Sports Gospel. You can reach Mark at Rockne48@und.com
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