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Sports Gospel Picks column
Mark Chalifoux
January 12 2006
It’s not everyday you discover the meaning of life while standing in the 10 items or less checkout line at Wal-Mart…and Wednesday was no different. Still, while I didn’t discover the meaning of life, I did discover what it will feel like to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan on Sunday.
I stood in line, inching closer and closer to the cash register, killing time reading stories about celebrity pregnancies (I guess Angelina Jolie is knocked up and Britney Spears is pregnant again, but I think this time she’s going to be giving birth to a Big Grab bag of Doritos). With only two people in front of me (and about seven people behind me), the fine employee at the register inexplicably decided it was time for a break and shut down his line. Just like that. After my long wait, I was left with nothing outside of conflicting reports about whether or not Lindsay Lohan was really a coke whore.
After being forced to get in an incredibly long non-express lane, it hit me that my wait time was completely in someone else’s hands; there was nothing I could do about it. Pittsburgh Steelers, you are now in my lane, and I’m about to close this lane down so fast it will force you to remark about how quickly I closed down the lane.
In the Sports Gospel, I explained my reasons for breaking out the black magic against the Steelers. After a few days to calm down and come to my senses, my resolve has only been strengthened. It is time for game 2 of the Sports Fan Voodoo era.
After my successful experiment against UCONN, I threw down my winnings on a series of college basketball parlays and discovered this- I am incapable of picking a bad game. Picking games for me is like spreading herpes is for Michael Vick- it’s just happens without even trying. My hot streak extends to football this weekend and as a little extra added insurance, I’m breaking out the Voodoo against Pittsburgh.
Lock of the Week- Indianapolis -9 ½ over Pittsburgh
Unlike the UCONN-UC game where I kept the Sports Fan Voodoo simple, I’m ending this game before it even starts. As a matter of fact, going into the game, here’s what Pittsburgh will have to deal with.
Hines Ward- Lockjaw- According to Voodini, an athlete chews things or talks trash because working their mouths helps them relax their jaw muscles, an important step in relaxing both the body and mind. All that is not out the window if he is suffering from lockjaw (which I have inflicted upon him by merely dipping a pin in a cold water and sticking it in the dummy’s jaw, Voodoo is easy to learn and fun for the whole family!).
(Mildly funny and horribly inappropriate Hines Ward remark- I was watching the Steelers game with a friend in the sports media world and he commented on how Hines Ward was always smiling. He had just been blasted by a Bengals corner and Ward was, sure enough, smiling like always, which prompted my friend to say-
“What is the deal with all the smiling? You could kick him in the nuts and then sodomize his wife, and he would STILL be smiling.”)
Willie Parker- Butterfingers. He’s going to be the best player for the Indy defense after he fumbles the ball two or three times.
Nature’s Call- Evidently, this book (Sports Fan Voodoo Kit by Turk “Voodini” Regan for anyone who missed last column, you can buy it at most book stores I’m assuming) says that by pinning the Nature’s Call spot on the dummy and dipping his hand into water, he will spend the entire game thinking about how badly he needs to visit a bathroom stall. This seems a little mean-spirited, but I don’t think I cross that line until I start doing it to him after the season.
Ben Roethlisburger- Slump- this seems pretty self-explanatory, but he’s going to be in a slump or something the whole game I guess.
Bad Breath- This seems pretty frivolous, but it seemed to be simple enough and maybe his breath will be so bad that no one will be able to look at him when he’s in the huddle, which will lead him to think everyone hates him, and then he will start screaming at people at halftime. Of course, they won’t be able to look at him because of his horrendous breath, so he will just get more frustrated. I’m not sure how this ends, but probably with Roethlisburger rolled up in a ball in the corner of the locker room weeping silently.
Hangover- Big Ben is going to have a major problem running the Steelers offense with a major hang-over (in addition to his slump and bad breath). This seems easy to do, as all I have to do, according to the not-so-great Voodini, is take the dummy out to the bars with me the night before the game and make it sleep on the floor (my question to Voodini is- when isn’t a dummy supposed to sleep on the floor??)
Steelers equipment manager- Don’t know who he is, but there is a whole section on this book that focuses on ways to affect the game by doing Voodoo on managers or cheerleaders. So, if I did this correctly, the Steelers equipment manager is going to top off the Gatorade jug with grain alcohol. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but since I’m relatively new to this whole Voodoo thing, I’m just going to take the advice of Voodini and go with spiking the Gatorade.
Well, that should about do it for the Steelers offense. Of course, we all know their defense is going to get owned, so I’m going with a prediction of-
Colts 35
Steelers 13
Current Black Magic record- 1-0
I am well aware that for my first picks column I have only given you one pick, but it’s a rock solid one. Also, in honor of my first picks column, www.betonsports.com is giving everyone who opens an account and makes a deposit of $100 or more a free $25 parlay (just type "Sports Gospel Gambling" in for the promo code). Because of that, I will give you two more picks to help round out a very solid parlay. We are staying with the NFL playoffs, just so I can keep all the great college basketball picks to myself for another week. Here are some picks for the rest of the games.
New Englad +3 Over Denver
It’s the Patriots. They are going to win this game because that’s what they do in the playoffs- they win.
Chicago – 2 ½ over Carolina- honestly, I just flipped a coin for this pick. But have I steered you wrong yet?
And, if you really want to make things interesting, here are a few picks to close with.
Number of the first person to score for New England will be- even- It will be Corey Dillon, because he is due for some big-time plays during the playoffs after he castrated the local media.
Yardage of longest punt in Seahawks-Redskins game will be- odd number- It’s going to be 47 yards, I’m really feeling this with the weather conditions for the game and with the play of Seattle’s special teams. Ok, I have no idea about this, but if you were looking for another pick, why not go with a special teams wager? The special teams players, especially the punter, don’t get much love. Now we will have a reason to show some interest in the punts (at least in this game).
The Sports Gospel is sponsored by www.betonsports.com. www.betonsports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on-Wager on football, cricket, Boxing, Rugby, Horse Racing and more. Mark Chalifoux is a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. You can reach him at Rockne48@und.com
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