|
Sports Gospel- Book of Prognostication
Mark Chalifoux
I haven’t been in sports broadcasting very long (under five years), but there is one piece of advice I feel comfortable illustrating. A piece of advice given to me by some of the most successful people in the business, but it’s something that even broadcasters in the NBA and NHL simply fail to understand.
If I walk into a bar carrying a whip and wearing a jacket and hat, people are going to think I’m a little weird. As I start to work the room and begin telling people I’m on some race to recover an ancient artifact before the Nazis can reach it, they will probably think I’m certifiably insane. That will quickly change as I start to introduce myself as Dr. Jones and tell people to call me Indy for short. Once that happens, people will just think I’m a jackass. Why is that? Because I’m not Indiana Jones.
The moral of the story is you have to be yourself and everyone will be able to tell if you are a phony (even a very good phony, as I’m sure I’d make a great Indiana Jones). Unfortunately, once people get good, they get lazy. I found this out the hard way last weekend on a long road-trip to Iowa. No road trip over five hours is possible without satellite radio and I decided to get Sirius after being swayed by “The Jester’s Quart.”
On the way to Iowa, we listened to a very poor NHL broadcast. I’m not disclosing their names so I don’t offend the people involved (also because I don’t know the name of Nashville’s play-by-play guy) but it was the worst broadcast I had ever listened to. Then the first period ended. At intermission they interviewed a guy who did impressions and it was probably the worst sports programming I have heard during my time on Earth. I’ve only been alive since the mid-80s, but have seen more than my share of poor sports programming, including a commercial for ESPN Hollywood and part of an episode of “Quite Frankly.”
The guy did miserable impressions of some sports figures and then a horrible Bush impression. The thing is, the guy wasn’t very good at impressions and this play-by-play guy was just rolling at the most cliché jokes in the league (I could’ve changed the channel, but it was like listening to a train wreck). The entire bit then crossed the line when the loser did a terrible Herb Brooks impersonation. I don’t care if you want to do your political satire or make fun of Mike Tyson, but don’t urinate on the grave of a hockey legend. If you are funny, fine, but give up the impressions. You are not Herb Brooks, you are not Terrell Owens and you aren’t even Abraham Lincoln, so don’t try it.
On the way back from Iowa, we were treated to an even greater abomination of a sports broadcast. This didn’t have to deal with intermission filler either, it was just flat-out poor play-by-play and commentary. It was the Portland crew and they were downright bad. The color guy, a former player or jock or something like that, flat-out refused to pronounce Zydrunas Ilgauskas. He admitted that it was too many syllables for him and that from here on out, he was just going to call him Z. Yep, he did a great job at proving former athletes are intelligent enough to be color analysts.
The play-by-play guy didn’t even pronounce the names right. How hard is it to be an NBA broadcaster? You’ve got it made; you just lay around calling games all the time. It’s not football, you need to learn about 12 new names each game. Still, that was about three too many for this guy, who was constantly butchering names like they were delicious turkeys. The kicker was when, after a dunk by Zach Randolph, he dropped a “BOOM-SHACKA-LACKA!” I was forced to spend the next five minutes convincing myself I didn’t drive back in time to 1994.
Point of story- current broadcasters occasionally suck and if you want to work in sports broadcasting someday, you either have to give up the Indiana Jones schtick or be a gorgeous woman. On to the picks.
Denver -3 over Pittsburgh
I’ve been getting a lot of hate after my lock of the week decided to completely unravel last week, but I have a very valid, two-pronged explanation.
- First, as I explained in the Sports Gospel this week, it is fairly evident that the lord hates the Colts (at least read it before you send in the hate mail).
- I just have not yet learned how to properly use the black magic. You see, after the first success I got cocky. I got over-confident. I felt like I owned the world. I thought I was so good that I could influence games though a series of pre-game voodoo acts, when in reality my success comes from in-game work.
This is a fairly common and recurring theme in movies. Hotshot youngster gets too hot too quickly and is brought down to Earth eventually. Just like Brandon Lang in “Two for the Money,” I thought I could succeed by just showing up and not putting in the real work and that just doesn’t cut it.
For the dorks out there, let me compare it with a Star Wars storyline. The Sports Fan voodoo is much like the force. When Luke Skywalker first used the force, he used it to blow up the Death Star. Then, in the next movie, he starts to get really cocky and thinks he’s skillful enough to take down Darth Vader. What happens? Vader cuts Luke’s hand off with a lightsaber.
Well, the Pittsburgh Steelers symbolically cut my hand off last week. This week, I’m older and wiser. I have learned from my first confrontation and I now know the voodoo only works when I use it in game. Luke doesn’t get tooled the second time around, and neither will I.
Carolina +2.5 at Seattle
I’m going to be honest; I don’t have a strong argument for this game. I went 0-3 on games last week and a major reason is because the NFL is just crazy. The only people who thought Pittsburgh would win actually play for the Steelers. And there weren’t too many Carolina supporters out there and New England was another big pick, so I wasn’t alone.
I’m not going down like that again this week. I’m going with Carolina for one reason- Steve Smith. When DeShaun Foster went down against Chicago, I couldn’t help but think the Bears had it in the bag. All the league’s best defense had to do was stop one player- a short wide receiver. It didn’t matter as Smith single handedly torched that Chicago defense. I am now firmly convinced that he cannot be stopped and that is why I’m going the Carolina route.
Xavier-6 against Cincinnati
I usually pick three games in my picks column (yeah I know, this is only the second one) so this week I will give you a gem- the Crosstown shootout. Neither team is ranked, but this is still one of the great rivalries in college basketball. Cincinnati has been fun to follow this year with their ragtag group of coaches and players and most people seem to be pulling for them, but Xavier is too hot and too deep for UC to hang around long in this game. UC has four legitimate division-1 players, while Xavier has nine. Advantage Muskies.
As always, betonsports.com is offering a 10% additional sign-up bonus for any Sports Gospel reader, so just enter “Sports Gospel Promo” into the promo code when you sign up. The one pick I got right this past week (in the column at least, I’m still wildly successful with college basketball parlays, which at some point I will divulge) was that the yardage of the longest punt in the Seattle-Wash game would be an odd number, and it was 53 yards. Without further ado, I give you some more solid prop bets.
Yardage of longest punt in Denver-Pitt game- Even number- You have to switch back and forth with this, so it’s looking like a 50-yarder this week.
Which team will receive the opening kickoff- Pittsburgh. This is pretty much “who wins the coin flip,” which would’ve been an awesome wager. This allows the gambling to start before the game actually does, which is a good thing. I also like this slightly better than “who will convert the first 1st down of the game,” which feels like a Super Bowl pick.
Last player to score a touchdown for Carolina will be wearing an even number- this at least gives you a reason to watch past the coin toss.
The Sports Gospel is sponsored by www.betonsports.com. www.betonsports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on-Wager on football, cricket, Boxing, Rugby, Horse Racing and more. Mark Chalifoux is a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. You can reach him at Rockne48@und.com.
Sports Gospelpicks
|
|
|
No comments yet - join this discussion...
|
|
|
|
|
|
