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Mark Chalifoux
Book of Prognostication
Feb 9th
Several weeks back I took a road trip to visit a friend who does play-by-play for a minor league hockey team. After checking into the hotel under the team name, the over-friendly hotel worker divulged the top secret information that another player (she thought we were potential players, which explains why she was working in a hotel in rural nowheresville) was just traded to the team and was still living in this hotel.
In a completely unprofessional manner, she scribbled his name on a piece of paper and gave it to me. With a more confused than enthused ‘thanks,’ I shoved the paper in my pocket and thought nothing more of it. While at a bar later that night, I gave the paper to the radio guy, without ever looking at it first, and asked him if it was the new player. I never really understood why everyone broke out laughing until I grabbed the paper and read the name.
“David Crockett.”
I felt like a giant moron after realizing that the King of the Wild Frontier actually wasn’t a minor league hockey player, but the player’s alias did remind me of a story a few weeks back about aliases in the NBA. The thing to take away from this story was that Shaq used to go by “Donovan Perot” because, according to him, he was ‘fast like Donovan McNabb and rich like Ross Perot.’ Now, I thought he should go with “Andre Charles” because he is huge like Andre the Giant, but shoots free throws like Ray Charles. I guess that’s up to him.
Still, I assumed that most other players weren’t as creative to make up aliases, and then I figured out how they chose their road aliases- online name generators. And, because I’m a man of the people and fight for the right of the common fan, I’m going to reveal these aliases so you can call your favorite athlete in the middle of the night to find out what actually is up.
Rick Tocchet (prison bitch name generator)- “Stroker”- funny thing is, I think this was his nickname in the hockey locker room too…
Fred Smoot (Viking name generator)- Reginfred the Beserk- last time I looked up “beserk” in the dictionary, it didn’t exactly say “someone who uses a sex toy on a nude stripper during a sex cruise,” but it was something pretty close.
Mark Madsen (ghetto shiznit name generator) Wankmaster Shizzlemah- actually, I heard a rumor that Mark Madsen is his alias, and that Wankmaster Shizzlemah is his birth name, so ask for both people when you call hotels.
C.C. Sabathia (Authentic Indian name generator) Leo the Sumbersible Jellyfish- he at least looks the part.
Ron Artest (porn name generator) Thomas Lay- This has more to do with Ron’s inflated ego of himself, and also a possible foreshadowing of his career path after basketball.
Mark Cuban (Mr. T name generator)- Ok, if anyone needs street cred, it’s Cuban. And what better way to get it than with a Mr. T-esque alias? This was the most complex form to fill out as it required just about every bit of available information on Cuban, including a listing of his top five Birthday Parties (for him or ones he attended). After all that work, I discovered his Mr. T alias- “Fool.”
And finally, some throwaway aliases
Steve Nash (hockey name generator) – Bob McNashon
Jon Gruden (Hobbit name generator)- Olo Sandybanks of Frogmorton
Troy Polamalu (ninja name generator) – Setsucko Yamada
Darko Milic (United States name generator)- Herman Palmer.
On to the picks
Went 5-5 last week, granted, one pick was mine and I used it thinking it would backfire and curse the Steelers to lose (more on that next week), but guest picker AJ Braves from SportsRant Radio went a solid 4-4 from the line last week, so I have to stay with the hot hand this week as he has four more free throws.
FREE THROWS
Saturday, February 11th
LSU @ Florida (Stephen C. O’Connell Center, 1:00pm Est.)
Take the Gators -6.5 or less
After watching the nation’s second-longest home winning streak (20 games) slip away Wednesday night, Billy Donovan and the Florida Gators only have one thing in mind: start another streak. Florida is desperate for a quality win; expect it to come against a strong LSU team (winners of 8 of their last 9).
I see the sophomores… I mean, Gators, containing the Tigers’ Davis down low, and the strong guard play for Florida creating points off of turnovers all game.
You heard it here first, Florida bounces back and regains that chip-on-the shoulder attitude – a confidence they’ll need down the stretch in the SEC.
UCLA @ Washington (Bank of America Arena, 3:30pm Est.)
The line could be misleading, if you want to bet… Take the Over!
Lorenzo Romar’s team couldn’t be happier to return home after last week’s three-game road swing, of which Washington went 0-3. UCLA on the other hand, they can’t be too thrilled about making the Washington trip: WSU on Thursday, and then to tip-off with the Dogs two days later. UCLA’s been hot as of late though, especially putting up 84 points on Arizona this past Saturday, and when the 11th rolls around, I don’t expect the Bruins to let up on the offensive end.
Arron Afflalo has risen to be a premier scoring threat in the PAC-10, and the play of one of my “Super-Soph Guards,” Jordan Farmar, improves every time he steps on the courts. He’ll have his hands full though with Justin Dentmon, and there’s no questioning the play of Brandon Roy. The X-Factor for the Huskies will have to be the play of freshman center, Jon Brockman. If he can aid his team in out-rebounding UCLA, and possibly pull off a double-double, I think the Huskies can pull off the mild upset.
Despite of who grabs the win, both teams will have sound transition games, and the 3-ball could be falling from all over the court. Expect a fast-paced, high scoring affair in the Pacific Northwest.
Iowa @ Indiana (Assembly Hall, Noon Est.)
If Indiana is getting points, or -5.5, stay with the home team.
Both the Hawks and Hoosiers are coming off of very disappointing losses; that means one of two things…
Either the Hawkeyes play a flawless Steve Alford designed team game and win close, or the Hoosiers take every bit of momentum right from the tip. It all depends on which Indiana team we’ll see. We could see the gut-checking Bloomington boys who gave Duke and UConn a run for their money, or we could see the Killingsworth-less team of no-namers who’ve dropped 4 of their last 5.
In my opinion, I see Strickland and Wilmont controlling the game down the stretch and feeding the Marco-monster for as many easy buckets as possible (he’ll be able to score too, believe me – he’ll be in the game for longer than 19 minutes this time).
Go ahead and claim Indiana as the victors come Saturday, and afterwards, answer the question of, “Hoosier Daddy?” by simply saying, “Braves….. A.J. Braves.”
Lastly…
Duke @ Maryland (Comcast Center, 1:00pm Est.)
If you’re lucky enough to see a line such as Duke -4.5, waste no time. Here’s why:
J.J. Redick will not end his career in College Park with a loss. It’s as simple as that. He left UNC’s Dean Dome with a win, and the only other campus to hate him as much (possibly more), is in College Park, Maryland.
This one could be extremely close, but I’ve got faith in Duke’s #4. He’s my “Pick to Click” this week, and I just don’t see him letting me down, let alone his teammates, coaches, and fans.
- A.J. Braves
As always, betonsports.com gives any Sports Gospel reader an additional 10% sign up bonus, so just type “Sports Gospel promo” as the promo code if you are opening an account. Oh, and stay away from Reginfred the Beserk.
The Sports Gospel is sponsored by www.betonsports.com. www.betonsports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on-Wager on football, cricket, Boxing, Rugby, Horse Racing and more. Mark Chalifoux is a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. You can reach him at Rockne48@und.com.
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