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Strap on your seat belts, and hold on tight, we have a jam-packed, no holds-barred version of the Weekly Rant!!!!!!!
This week I decided to change things up a bit. I decided to write about what I would say if I had a minute with some of the most famous athletes today. Here goes!!
Kobe Bryant
"Jigga, Kobe, not guilty!!!" That sounds so much better than the original version doesn't it? Seriously Kob, you've gotta watch your back man. You don't have the love that you did when you was playin with those little kids on the McDonalds commercial. Be careful, bro.
Shaquille O'Neal
I know I would deflate your humongous ego if I talked to Kobe and not you as well, Shaq. What can I say about you??? Hmm, let me count the insults. Youre lucky I send this to moms or else I'd really get colorful. Shaq, you come into training camp for three years looking like Oprah Winfrey's long lost brother. Then, you force the Lakers hand and get traded to Miami...now you want to start looking like Ty Beckford. I see how it is Shaq. Your still not gonna win a title....you can get Zo, Kendall Gill, Steve Smith and all the original Miami Heat...hell, have one of those old reunions like the Temptations do for all I care...it ain't gonna matter.
Jack Nicholson
Thanks for being the only true celebrity Laker fan out there. How bout some seats? Come on, I'm nowhere near as annoying (or funny) as Chris Rock....
Adrian Beltre
Thanks for all of the excitement you gave Dodger fans last year. It was amazing how well you did on a half of one good ankle. You are the best third baseman in the game, and it was really cool to know that you left all of your stuff in your locker because you thought the Dodgers would re-sign you. I guess you should've known, the Dodgers have this recent habit of letting players in their prime go....remember Pedro and Mike...yeah, those guys.
Paul Depodesta (Dodgers GM)
How in the hell did you get into Harvard? They obviously did not teach Common Sense 101 over in Boston so let me give you a little refresher. You don't blow up a team that wins 93 games. A few tweaks here and there are ok, but you've gone insane. Guess what, Paul, the news is out...Beltre wanted to come back. He would've taken a lot less to be with the Dodgers. L.A. better win a lot of game next year or your head may have the same fate as Marie Antoinette.
Carlos Beltran
I don't know if you guys had "The Price is Right" in Puerto Rico, but if you did you would remember a game called Plinko where you drop the chips into the board and you get paid. Well, Carlos you hit the Plinko jackpot and its time for the Showcase Showdown were the stakes are much higher (just like in New York City)...are you gonna play or pass? I really hope you bring it for both halves of the season, because if you do...you and your boy Pedro may be sippin on the Cristal come October.
Randy Moss
Good News!!! You won't have to jump nowhere near as high as you did in Minnesota to get into the stands in Oakland!! Seriously, you may have to run a little more to catch passes and youre definitely gonna have to start blocking for your runningbacks. If you do these things and bring some leadership qualities (come on you know you've got it in ya...only a leader would run over a traffic officer...we've all wanted to do it) the Raiders will do very well.
Brian Billick
Congratulations for signing Derrick Mason. Its nice to see that you've finally recognized that you need to score to win games in this league. Unfortunately, Derrick Mason won't do much because he has no one to pass him the ball. Kyle Boller is your biggest problem
Maurice Clarett
How does it feel to be the biggest buffoon in all of sports. You had it all only a two years ago. You were the star on a national championship team and you would've gone very high in the draft if you only had a little patience. Unfortunately, you then decided to major in criminal activity which got you banished from Columbus. Then, you never get in shape and run a 4.7 40 at the combine!!! A 4.7?? When I was your age I ran a 4.78 and I was never confused with Jesse Owens...you then decide to skip the rest of the workout and focus on the interview portion. I guess this is where your minor in Con-Artistry would most benefit you.
Jeff Gordon, yes, Jeff Gordon!
Congratulations on winning the Daytona 500!! Hell of a race, Jeff.
Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner
Gary, I bet youre wishin that you would've stayed as David Stern's second in command in the NBA. Now you have put the wooden stake in a sport that could have been very popular. Unfortunately for you, no one is really missing hockey. Why is that? Hmmm...maybe because you decided to take hockey away from the cities like Winnipeg and Quebec where it was treated as religion. Then you put franchises in Atlanta, Columbus and Nashville where going to a hockey game is just about sacrilegous. You kept trying to chase revenue by expansion and now the game is a watered-down version of the 80s.
Jamie Foxx, yes he's an athlete...don't you remember Willie Beamon from "Any Given Sunday"!
Congratulations Jamie on your Oscar!! Well deserved.
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